10 Steps Towards Emotional Intimacy: The Faerie Heart Circle Ritual

1 Find at least one other person you feel able to confide in and who would be able to confide in you. (If you don’t know anyone you need to find a new set of friends- or start up a Meet-up Group!)

2 Find a special object- call it a Talisman- to hold and pass around the circle.

3 Designate a date and time and set aside at least 2 hours free of disturbance.

4 Turn all your devices off and prepare to communicate the truth of what is going on for you right now. In the Flesh. No edits. The raw, honest authentic truth! 

5 Pick up the talisman and say ‘In this Heart Circle I will have the opportunity to share but only when I hold the Talisman. Do you agree to do this too?’

6 Wait for all present to say- Yes I agree! (if they don’t, then send them home and find another group!)

7 Light a candle and pass the Talisman and this text to the left. The next person says ‘At the beginning of my sharing I will say my name and it will be repeated back by the circle as an affirmation of mutual support. Do you agree to do this too?’

8 This person lights a candle then passes the Talisman and this text to the left and so on.

9 These statements are said, asking for agreement, by other participants or if there are just 2 or three of you they are shared between you:

• I will speak from the heart about what is alive and true for me right now.

• I will own my statements by using ‘I’ and ‘my’ rather than ‘you’ or ‘we’. 

• I promise to listen with empathy and to have a compassionate awareness of any judgement as it arises within me. 

• During the circle, I may hear something that resonates with me. I will not directly comment on, or offer any advice to others. However it may affect my subsequent sharing.

• I may say nothing when the talisman comes to me but I will allow myself time to be present with my feelings before passing it on. 

• I will allow others personal space to be fully with their own experience- in tears or laughter. Comfort or hugs may be non-verbally offered and accepted when the sharing has finished. 

• I will look after my emotional and physical needs and if I have to leave the room I will do so at the end of a share.  

• If I would like to talk about something said in the circle with that person afterwards, I may ask  but I accept that the answer could be no. 

• I promise to keep everything in this heart circle CONFIDENTIAL. 

10 Now take the talisman and share from the heart for as long as it takes then pass it on. When all has been said hold hands. Take 3 deep breaths then blow the candles out. Enjoy!

Faerie Sex Magick

What is Faerie Sex Magick (FSM)?

FSM is a group process evolved by Faeries to help male bodied queers to reconnect their sexual selves with their deeper sense of emotional intimacy.

What does it involve?

It involves getting together with a small group of men and, over the course of a week, developing the confidence to open your deeper self to them as they open to you. It involves sharing from the heart and recognising that it is not only safe but also worthy of love to reveal your vulnerabilities and to witness others exposing theirs.

That sounds scary!

It all happens in a venue which is protected from the distractions of the noisy world most of us occupy. The whole process is facilitated by Faeries who have been involved with its growth since it was first conceived by Harry Hay- one of the originators of the Faeries as a development of queer consciousness.

The foundation of the sharing is the Faerie Heart Circle derived from the Native American Indian tradition of sharing circles. Heart Circle involves passing a talisman or ‘talking stick’ around the circle. When you have the talisman it’s your turn to share, when you pass on the talisman it’s your turn to listen!

So what’s magickal about it?

When a small group agree to give each other their non-judgemental attention in Heart Circle something quite unexpected happens. The level of emotional intimacy within the group rapidly intensifies in a surprising and almost magickal way.

And where does the sex come into it?

The intention of the Heart Circling is to develop the emotional intimacy in the group so there is enough trust for permissions to be given to each and every member of the group so that loving touch can be given and received. When this stage has been reached the group enters into ‘Ritual Space’

What Happens in ‘Ritual Space’

It is up to the group how erotic and sensual touch will manifest. Once the trust and emotional intimacy has developed there is no shortage of imaginative yet sensitive ideas as to how the group could relate to each other sexually.

Now that’s starting to sound interesting! Can anyone do it?

If you’ve never experienced sharing in Heart Circle before you would be advised to get some practice at this before going on a full FSM workshop. The Brighton Faeries hold Heart Circles every so often (email brightonfaerie@gmail.com to get on the list) and there are monthly Edward Carpenter Community Heart Circles usually held on the second Sunday of the month (email gaysocrates@gmail.com for details)

So what’s your experience of FSM?

I have attended 2 FSM workshops. Because of the depth of sharing on a workshop the group promises that they will respect each other’s confidentiality.

What I can say is that, aside from the pure enjoyment of entering into an emotionally safe yet sexually intimate space with a bunch of lovely men, I am now profoundly changed for the better! Check it out at 

http://www.faeriesexmagick.org

Equality: Ticket to liberation? Diversity threat? Or key to allowing intimacy into our lives?

Why is it, when I hear the word ‘Equality’, I get a rush of mixed feelings? Are all of us born equal? Certainly my political instincts twitch against the opposite, Orwellian aphorism that ‘Some are more equal than others’ with its attendant divisiveness and preferential treatment for a privileged few over the masses.

For us queer folk, rallying behind the Stonewall Equality banner in recent years has served us well in our battles against oppression and invalidation. However there’s a big difference between saying that we demand equality in terms of our human rights before the law, and saying that we deserve to be treated like everyone else because we’re no different from anyone else. For some, the route to achieving the former has been by living a lifestyle attempting to demonstrate the latter! Problem is, that whilst we’ve all been busy assimilating ourselves into straight society- we pair bond, shop at Habitat and IKEA, want the right to get married and nurture children- we’ve started to loose our edge.

Historically, our greatest contribution to society has been by providing our perspective on it from its margins. In our disenfranchisement, oppression and invalidation we've grown strong as individuals by the cultivation of our uniqueness, special-ness, and strangeness. The thing is, now we have the opportunity to be card carrying members of mainstream society, we have the choice of either joining with the consumer driven frenzy of it all or, just stepping back and taking stock.

Quentin Crisp once said of the joy and hardship of the queer’s role on the margins: “Never try to join forces with the enemy! You should make no effort to join society. Stay right where you are. Give your name and serial number and wait for society to come to you”

I recently came across another aspect of equality whilst reading the Gay Blogger CrazeeBee . He made the helpful observation that a lack of equality within power relationships between people eradicates intimacy. This really struck a chord. I realized that I often find I’ve either put myself, or others have positioned me, into very marked relationship power differentials. It’s like I’m the powerful one or I’m the weak one. The dominant or the submissive. I may seek to dominate or to be submissive. Others may seek domination or submission from me. And it’s all driven by fear of intimacy. Within extreme power differentials there is both the security and the profound disappointment that emotional intimacy will be kept securely under wraps.

So I thank the Universe for “Equality” and how it has served us well in our battles to be treated fairly. However I would urge against a full-scale stampede towards a tepid, insipid, and magnolia painted lifestyle within the mainstream. Keep remembering that we queers are different and some of us are more different than others! By continuing to be our fabulous, unique, beautiful selves, out on the margins, we will inevitably transform the world for the better. And don’t forget that to equalize the power differences within your personal relationships may be the way to find a more fulfilling and intimacy rich existence!

The Spiritual Healing of Erotic Love

Last month GaySocrates went on his first ever Edward Carpenter Gay Men’s Weeks at Laurieston Hall.

It was a so-called ‘structured week’ which meant that in addition to the free and easy access to this amazing enchanted space, there was also a full programme of facilitated sessions allowing for an in depth exploration of a given theme. So there was seven days worth of walking in unspoilt Dumfries woodland, swimming in the pure water loch, body painting, dancing, naked wrestling, late night saunas. And weaving these activities together was our theme ‘The Dance Between Power and Intimacy’

Many of our facilitated sessions were led by Sunfire- the resident spiritual healer at Easton Mountain Sanctuary in the USA- and were based on the ‘Body Electric’ workshops run there. Through a series of guided techniques we grew in confidence with each other. We were able to hold each other as we explored our issues with spiritual enlightenment. We began to see how our preoccupations with power and proscribed eroticism interfere with a fulfilling life experience.

Within days, a disparate group of gay thirty- to sixty-somethings had become a spiritually connected, respectful, erotically intimate tribe of lovers; open to each other emotionally, physically and sexually. I learned for the first time how a group of gay men could be capable of deep intimate, brotherly affection for each other. And I was struck by the relative paucity of this kind of love in the outside world. I asked myself ‘What gets in the way of this kind of love spontaneously erupting in our everyday communities?’

The answer, I fear, is that we have lost our connection to Spirit. Throughout the generations, organised religion has persecuted the LGBT members of their congregations to the extent that most queer folk now have abandoned hope of ever finding a spiritual home for themselves. Starved of spiritual sustenance we have also been deprived of the wisdom of those who would have been our tribal elders. These men were taken from us unceremoniously by the AIDS scourge of the 1980s.

The Australian Aborigine tribes also lost their connection to Spirit. Their elders were slaughtered and their ancient connection to the earth was disrupted by relocation to remote settlements where they learned the sensual pleasures arising from alcohol intoxication, which they then passed to their children and their children’s children.

I see parallels with our own LGBT tribe. We need to rediscover our ancient connection to intimate erotic love through a rediscovery of our spiritual selves. We need to stop our mindless preoccupation with empty, meaningless sex of the ‘bad gay porn’ variety. This leads only to the appalling state of affairs where our elders unthinkingly infect our youth with chronic incurable illnesses for the sake of a moment of bareback pleasure.

It’s time to get radical. Rediscover and sustain your erotic spiritual selves and begin the spiritual healing required to save our tribe from obliteration!

Check out my blog: http://gaysocrates.blogspot.com

Email me at gaysocrates@gmail.com