“Please Don’t be Creepy!”

“Please Don’t be Creepy!”

This request, together with a profile pic of an attractive young man, was all there was to the Grindr profile... 

It got me thinking about all the things that I might say or do to others that could creep them out. 

The #MeToo campaign has highlighted the shocking extent of unacknowledged sexual abuse in the form of implicit casting couch imperatives for career advancement in the entertainment industry. There is also, now, an ever growing recognition of the high prevalence of workplace based sexual harassment in general. 

Since sexual creepiness has been an integrally endemic background feature of my culture, the chances are, I’ve got some blind spots and it therefore behoves me to examine the extent to which creepiness has crept into me!

With this in mind I took the question “How might I be creepy?” to a week-long Faerie retreat. One of the glorious aspects of Faerie community is its queer diversity in terms of shapes, sizes, ages, genders, races, and sexualities. So I began to explore, privileged as I am, with elder, white, middle class, apparently-cis-male, predominantly homophilic status, how that capital might possibly be being unconsciously exploited in the pursuit of my erotic interests.

Faeries often tend to be seekers from a broad set of spiritual backgrounds. Newcomers to Faerie-space are particularly vulnerable, often, having rejected a rejecting and sex-negative Abrahamic belief system- possibly exploring for the first time a more earth-based and sex-positive framework.

So here’s what I came up with after a week of enquiry and meditation…

• The essence of creepiness is a mismatch between professed and actual intention. If I were to present myself as someone who is available to give help, advice, and guidance on how best to negotiate Faerie-space whilst secretly lusting after, and planning on the sexual conquest of a newfound ‘apostle’ then I’m being as creepy as a creepy fingered masseur who has offered the service of a massage but who is, instead, covertly taking sexual pleasure from the tactile sensation from his wandering hands!
• Emotional authenticity with full transparency of intention is key to establishing creepy-free relationships.
• When there exists some kind of power gradient across a relationship regarding e.g. youthfulness, attractiveness, maturity, experience, wealth, etc., I need to give voice to what is there, and explicitly acknowledge the real possibility that this differential of capital may be open to emotional or sexual exploitation.
• Super-creepiness happens when sexual overtures are made and continue to be made in the absence of a receptive audience. It becomes abusive if it continues after it has been made clear that the sexual attention is unwanted.
• Once intentions have been made clear, and the potential for abuse across power gradients has been explored then clarity of consent is paramount. “How would you like me to enter into intimacy with you? How would you like to enter into intimacy with me?” If these questions can be answered with clarity and if the answers can be honoured fully then we’re likely to have moved into a creepy-free zone!

To Other or not to Other?: That is the Question!

A very creative performer friend of mine recently posted on Facebook just how much he HATED the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. And then a few days later in a different post, a disabled friend proclaimed how disappointed he was that he had finally sunk to a new low in that he had just had sex with a guy who wore Crocs (by the way that guy was me!). Both posts released a torrent of seemingly harmless, supportive hatred from friends and followers. All were in agreement that these subjects were quite legitimate targets for their light-hearted communal disapprobation. Who could get hurt? After all the RHCP are just a bunch of over rated, over-played recording artists! And aren't Croc wearers just seriously fashion challenged idiots? Right?

I wondered just how my sensitive, performer friend would have felt if someone had lanced a 'social media anger abscess' in his direction with the purulent exudate engulfing him and his vulnerable creative offerings. I certainly didn't feel unscathed by the wave of Croc-hatred unleashed by my disabled friend. I ended up pondering just how many times he might have had to endure the discomfort of witnessing 'harmless' disablist sentiments.

It seems like the public articulation of ‘dislikes’ is becoming something of an international pastime, opening up widening chasms between diametrically opposed echo chambers which themselves splinter and fragment!

Essentially, there’s a whole lot of ‘othering’ going on. 

Othering is the process of casting a person (or group) in the role of ‘the other’ and establishing one’s own identity through opposition to and, frequently vilification of this ‘other’

In my experience of facilitating Faerie Sex Magick Workshops, I have found it to be the single most common source of blocks between workshop participants, creating what, at times, seem to be insurmountable barriers to the potential that intimacy might be possible between certain individuals within the group. What’s magickal about the workshop, though, is that the other-ers are meeting together day after day in an emotionally intimate group setting where compassion and empathy has space to grow. And in this context the ‘other’ can be viewed as a potential source of learning; this ‘other’ can begin to be seen as a diverse and complex entity worthy of love and desire, even!

So how might this burgeoning social media-amplified other-ing compulsion be countered? 

First of all, to recognise that it is happening. Secondly to register when it is happening. And finally to decide NOT to define oneself through opposition to any individual or group.

It’s really up to you!

To Other:Verb transitive. The act of holding intransigent exclusionary values as a means of creating blocks which become insurmountable barriers to the potential for an intimacy to develop between the 'othering' human being and 'othered' human being....

If another others you, well, it just feels like poo!

Other another: Judge the book by its cover...

Don't other that other-er!

One way or the other, that other-er's your brother-er

Could you make 'em your lover-er?

It's all down to you!

Btw: No Femmes! No Smokers! No H&H! No Twinks! No Partnered! No Tories! No Trump Supporters! No Brexiteers!

When and how did you identify as a Faerie?

The Faerie known as Presence is writing a thesis on Radical Faeries.

These are the questions asked of us and my answers:

When and how did you identify as a Radical Faerie?

My first Faerie gathering was at Featherstone Castle just 5 years ago. I’d been encouraged to go by a friend I’d made on an Edward Carpenter Community Gay Men’s week. The ECC week had been facilitated by an American Faerie-Sunfire and two Albion Faeries-Shokti Lovestar and Notre Dame des Arbres. The theme of the week was ‘The Dance between Power and Intimacy’. There were workshops on Tantric Sex (based on the Body Electric school), BDSM, cross dressing, heart circles, saunas. In the space of a week I learned to risk vulnerability for the prize of intimacy. My new friend said ‘if you like all of this you’ll love the Faeries’. He was right. For me, as a lifelong secretly self identified freak, Featherstone Castle was a magical home-coming to my very own tribe of misfits and marginals. The love of all things natural, the embrace of chaos, the acceptance of all shapes and sizes, the seam of deep spirituality yet the absence of proselytizing and hierarchy made for a very welcoming an nurturing space. It was my first taste of Faerie Sanctuary where I could begin the process of establishing my divinely intended purpose. Since then I’ve not only been back to Featherstone every year but also to the Folleterre Sanctuary in Eastern France (Rewilding Skillshare 2010, Quiet Gathering 2011, Summer Gathering 2012, Sex Magick 2013, Community Week 2014) I also went to a gathering in Berlin 2010. 

I have always been profoundly affected by each and every gathering I’ve attended, learning about my gender, my sexuality, my undernourished appetites, my woundings, my capacity to self-heal and the previously unseen obstacles to self-love, the love of others and ultimately the love of the universe. 

Describe briefly what the Radical Faeries mean to you.

To me the Radical Faeries are a deeply rooted international network of divinely inspired beings. As a human development its natural intrinsic intent is to nurture the sacred within. The Faeries are  able to do this by generating magical faerie-space, encouraging physical, emotional and spiritual authenticity in those who encounter it directly. Once manifested this authenticity changes the world irrevocably!

What do you understand by the terms ‘Gay’ and ‘Queer’? Which do you identify with, if at all, and why?

Back in 2009 I was a successfully assimilated ‘out ‘Gay Man. I was a homeowner in a longterm monogamous same-sex partnership with 2.4 cats! It seemed that, for my generation of assimilationists. the prize we had won for the LGBT community was a range of human rights- rights to civil partnership, rights to be able to foster and adopt, rights to an equal age of consent, rights even to join the army if I’d wanted to. I felt my whole life had been an exercise in demonstrating to the wider society that as a community we deserved these rights. I was no different from them other than simply having a desire for a same-sex lover. 

But this wasn’t true. Once I was fully shoehorned into my assimilated box I was suffocating. I felt ungrateful. I’d lost the power of my outsider status. I had no sense of joy from my begrudgingly accepted life-style. The Church continued to disapprove of my nature which had caused me to throw out my spiritual identity baby with the corrupt bathwater of organized religion.

However in the journey from that very first ECC gay mens week with its permission to find a source of spiritual growth in the full cultivation of my sexuality, the meeting with the Faeries with their invitation to discover the divine purpose of my bi-gendered nature and to reject assimilation, and the continued intimate exposure in heart-circle space to the divine feminine (in myself and others) I have traveled away from Gay Man and I am now arrived at Queer Spirit.

What do you think about the rituals in the Radical Faerie community? How do they affect you personally?

1 In my experience, the most profound and transformative ritual in the Radical Faerie Community is the ritual of the Heart Circle. Revealing my heart-felt self to non-judgmental, lovingly accepting Faeries has been both challenging and rewarding. Bearing witness to the revelation of heart-felt truths in a non-judgmental and lovingly accepting way has revealed some surprising shared experiences and also enabled the cultivation of that gift of experiencing the vicarious feel of another Faerie’s moccasins as they go on their own journey. The most potent experience I have had of the powerfully transformative and healing influence of the Heart Circle Ritual was the Folleterre 2013 Sex Magick workshop. 7 days of continuous heart circling with a closed group of Faeries with the intention to create sacred ritual space for the authentic expression of loving touch. I was so impressed by its impact both on myself and others that I’m planning to attend another in October.

2 I also see the ‘Know (or No) Talent Show’ as a wonderful exercise in almost unacknowledged Ritual Space capable of promoting profound personal transformation for those in both ‘performer’ and ‘witness’ roles. As a performer I offer my creative self in total vulnerability. In the role of witness I am able to appreciate, as a practice in unconditional love, the channeled beauty of creation. I’m amazed at the growth I feel from the acknowledgement of my offering. I am enchanted and delighted by the offering of others.

3 The Faerie Gathering itself is an extended ritual space with its opening ritual invoking the magical healing energies which will nurture the cultivation of our authentic selves. And also its closing rituals helping us to acknowledge the power of the transformative energies we have manifested but also their potential limitations to influence beyond the immediate environment of Faerie Space. 

Do you think the Radical Faeries have their own myths? If so, could you provide some examples? If not, why do you think that’s the case? 

At gatherings I have heard stories about Lillith, the Vestal Virgins, Loki. Faerie names sometimes invoke mythical figures. Pan, Fauny, Baccus, Sometimes the story of a Faerie’s name is of mythical proportions.

We have stories about our ancestors.....

Harry Hay as a child persuaded the librarian that she ought to get a fashionable Marcel wave in her hair. He assured her that he would look after the library whilst she was at the hairdresser’s. She returned two hours later to find him engrossed in Edward Carpenter’s ‘The Intermediate Sex: A study of some transitional types of men a and women’. He’d found the key to the locked cabinet of forbidden books. The rest is history.

The Faeries are a relatively new development in the growth of humanity. I believe that by living our authentic selves we are inevitably creating the myths of the future. There will be stories told by our great grandchildren about the impact that the Thesis of Presence had on the world!

Do you see the Radical Faeries fulfilling a role in the greater human community? 

Yes

If so, what do you think it is? 

The unfurling and fluttering of a single Faerie’s wings in Faerie Space is enough to create a revolutionary wind of change for the planet!

Are You Out and Proud to your Spirituality?

At the time of writing this I’m in the afterglow of the London Pride weekend.

The highlight for me was a LoveSpirit* meeting at the Wheatsheaf Hall in Vauxhall.

The event was an opportunity to deepen a love for the Unity to be found in spiritual diversity.

In a great venue, in the context of drumming, singing, dancing, relaxing and meditating, some 15 or so souls each had a 3 minute slot to share with the assembled crowd the essence of their own spiritual practice and how this related to their sexual identity/ gender identification.

In my 3 minutes I danced! If I had spoken, this is what I would have said:

“After years of yo-yoing between exploring my sexuality whilst rejecting my spirituality, and then exploring my spirituality whilst rejecting my sexuality, I finally arrived at a realization; my spirituality and my sexuality are inextricably linked. In fact, for me, they are one and the same thing!

What I needed to reject was not spirituality but the guilt and shame of taking pleasure in feeding the natural appetites of my body and soul. For some inexplicable reason over time, the major spiritual traditions have become somewhat tarnished with a homophobic/ transphobic stance on accepting this truth.

So as I searched for a church which might welcome and nurture my spiritual growth I was constantly confronted by a sense that I could only be accepted on the condition that I inhibit the expression of my gender fluidity and sexual expression.

It finally dawned on me that the church I was pining for did not currently exist and if I wanted to be part of a community which was fully accepting of my body and soul, it would be my purpose to manifest it.

I read and was bowled over by Christian de Huerta’s ‘Coming out Spiritually: The Next Step’. I suppose that is when I fully ‘came out’ to my spirituality: I became a spiritual activist! 

Starting as a solitary spiritual practitioner. Cutting out the middle(wo)man priest/ guru/ shaman, I began to meditate and read the Tao Te Ching. Living in the moment. Stringing together surges of Joy in the pleasures of life, pain and death. Nurturing my creative urges. Understanding and dismantling the restrictions I had unknowingly constructed around my capacity to feel and express love. 

I found the unconditional acceptance of my dance in 5Rhythms. 

The Albion Faeries found me and made a space where, in vulnerability, I could be fully accepted and heal the unacknowledged love-blocks arising from my repressed sissy self.

So this is me and this is my dance”

LoveSpirit is a great queer spiritual melting pot. Together we can talk, sing, dance, trance and drum up a wave of love.

Coming out to Spirituality is the start of a great adventure. Feel free to join us on the journey!

*Lovespirit is a grassroots emergence of lgbt+ spiritual discovery, bringing together queers of any or no spiritual tradition who feel the truth of love behind all religious and magical paths.

Five Steps to Take when Managing your Reactions to Bitchiness in Faerie-Space

So you just found out that some SHADOW-Faerie said something negative about you....?

STEP 1

Check in with yourself. Is the criticism deserved? Is there anything to learn? Has someone called you a lazy selfish bitch and recently you’ve been doing nothing for your community and just looking out for yourself? Be grateful for the kick up the panties!

STEP 2 

Wonder about the one who passed on the information to you. What does it say about this faerie? Does it serve some purpose for her to be a broker of negativity. What kind of SHADOW-Faerie is this strange creature?

I once had a work colleague who spent her life in the shadow of an incompetent, uncaring older brother. She gave her life to her mother who determinedly persisted in preferring the brother to herself. She took great pleasure (and caused no end of disharmony) from her habit of witnessing individuals’ pain when she was able to spin a story to them that someone else on the team, because of their status/gender was getting a whole load of credit, reward and preferential treatment for all their hard work!

Are you 100% certain that what has been conveyed is 100% accurate and has been described completely in context?

STEP 3 
You may not have been actually 'told' anything. Maybe you have a good sense that a SHADOW-Faerie just doesn’t like you from glances, reactions and body language. 

Ask yourself “Is it really true?”

Are you projecting your memories of a past relationship onto this Faerie?

What, in this past relationship, was so challenging? Did these challenges invite you to make uncomfortable changes to your assumptions and outlook? Did you recoil from this invitation at the time? Are you ready to explore this discomfort now? Is this SHADOW-Faerie offering you another opportunity to grow and develop away from unskillful ways of being? 

Share what you are going through from the heart in spite of the vulnerability you fear!

STEP 4 

None of the above? So a SHADOW Faerie has had the audacity to call herself a Faerie. To cast malicious shadows about you! To abuse you and persecute you and speak all kinds of calumny against you!

You have been defamed, maligned, slandered. Your name has been blackened. Your reputation has been sullied. You have been vilified, denigrated, disparaged, discredited!  Your reputation has been ruined!

You have a strong emotional reaction to this.... Ask yourself why?

Is your light so dim? Is your sense of oneness with the Divinity of Nature so compromised that a mere mortal shadow dancer can extinguish your Fire? Remember you are pure radiant light. Only the lack of confidence in this truth will cast you into the dark and the cold!

Are you angry that your capacity to remain joyful from moment to moment in Faerie community is so limited that a single incident like this can cause such a meltdown?

STEP 5 

Connect with the divine. Feel the warmth, the strength, the comfort. Is the SHADOW-Faerie projecting shadows from her own past relationships in your direction? Is she unable to recognize what is going on? Is it still too painful for her to forgive and release the discomfort? Know that you are offering her an opportunity to revisit these wounds. Be open to heart centered overtures to explore, understand and heal. If there are no approaches from her then simply stand confidently and compassionately in your power. You are truly beautiful and loving!

Of course it is quite a challenge to go through this whole process. 

The alternative is to say “JUST FUCK IT” and then F-I-I-I-IGHT!

NOTE: The idea of the SHADOW-Faerie is simply that. An IDEA, a MYTH, an ILLUSION. Whatever you do please don’t fall into the trap of believing that Faerie community is made up of SHADOW-Faeries and NON-SHADOW-Faeries. The worst thing you can do is to check out with a fellow Fae if they think so-and-so is a SHADOW-Faerie. It’s the start of a process of divisiveness, dualism, us-and-them-ness, of binary thinking. Thereon lies the path to civil war!

If you think you have discovered a SHADOW-Faerie embrace her and then gently work on finding some source of illumination: if it feels uncomfortable accept it, change it or move away from it. 

You will shine all the more brilliantly for this great work you have done for your Faerie community and you will act as a beacon of brilliance for the world to follow! 

Good Luck!