An Original Albion Faerie Queen- one of Britain’s Stately Homos

Just as it is inevitable, that a career in politics must end in failure, then too, perhaps, every relationship with a hero must end ultimately with disenchantment….

The enchantment with my hero began when, as a shy queer adolescent searching for affirmation in a homophobic Catholic school in the homophobic North of England, I became aware of a character so totally convinced of his inalienable right to be queer that he flamboyantly asserted his sexuality and endured the sticks and stones hurled at him by an even more hostile bygone era with equanimity and wit.

To my scared and nascent queer nature these strident personality attributes [which I would not have dared to dream of emulating] became a beacon of hope towards which I could steer my sense of ‘daring to be different’. So whilst my brothers had their posters of football and rugby players [whom I would secretly lust after] plastered on the bedroom walls, my forbidden aspirational role model secreted in the far reaches of the back of my mind was one of Britain’s Stately Homos!

Whenever I reached an important coming-out juncture in my life and was quibbling with myself about wimping out, I would refer back to my icon, take succour, feel the fear then just get on with it. So it is to Quentin Crisp that I give thanks for the proper development of my queer sensibility.

Without his existence, without his avidly read life story as depicted in The Naked Civil Servant, without his witty epithets thrown in the face of unanimous disapproval, I might never have overcome what seemed at times to be the overwhelming odds against me. I might never have been brave enough to take my first faltering steps towards the consummation of my disapproved of sexual passions. So thank you, Quentin, you were to me, at that time, a character of epic proportions, unknowingly spurring me on from strength to strength.

I have learned, however, over the years, that you were, as I am, a human being with faults and flaws and for that, of course, I forgive you. Your insufferable egocentricity might even have been the source of your immensely shameless, eccentricity! As bravely shocking as larger-than-life characters such as you can be, I have learned to be cautious around those of your ilk. I need space to express myself so I now spend time on relationships with those who are not only busy developing their authenticity but who are also interested in, and affirming of, mine.

There was a stage in my life when my co-dependency had me hanging around guys with massive egos so I could hide away by relinquishing my own. It is interesting that just as elements of Quentin’s brazen character spurred me on to become my true self, the deficits in his nature have me recoiling towards a quest for true intimacy in love. Sadly, it seems, this would have been something completely anathema to him.

So Quentin Crisp I celebrate your life and your death in me. Had you not been so unashamedly You, I would never have been so unashamedly Me!

Equality: Ticket to liberation? Diversity threat? Or key to allowing intimacy into our lives?

Why is it, when I hear the word ‘Equality’, I get a rush of mixed feelings? Are all of us born equal? Certainly my political instincts twitch against the opposite, Orwellian aphorism that ‘Some are more equal than others’ with its attendant divisiveness and preferential treatment for a privileged few over the masses.

For us queer folk, rallying behind the Stonewall Equality banner in recent years has served us well in our battles against oppression and invalidation. However there’s a big difference between saying that we demand equality in terms of our human rights before the law, and saying that we deserve to be treated like everyone else because we’re no different from anyone else. For some, the route to achieving the former has been by living a lifestyle attempting to demonstrate the latter! Problem is, that whilst we’ve all been busy assimilating ourselves into straight society- we pair bond, shop at Habitat and IKEA, want the right to get married and nurture children- we’ve started to loose our edge.

Historically, our greatest contribution to society has been by providing our perspective on it from its margins. In our disenfranchisement, oppression and invalidation we've grown strong as individuals by the cultivation of our uniqueness, special-ness, and strangeness. The thing is, now we have the opportunity to be card carrying members of mainstream society, we have the choice of either joining with the consumer driven frenzy of it all or, just stepping back and taking stock.

Quentin Crisp once said of the joy and hardship of the queer’s role on the margins: “Never try to join forces with the enemy! You should make no effort to join society. Stay right where you are. Give your name and serial number and wait for society to come to you”

I recently came across another aspect of equality whilst reading the Gay Blogger CrazeeBee . He made the helpful observation that a lack of equality within power relationships between people eradicates intimacy. This really struck a chord. I realized that I often find I’ve either put myself, or others have positioned me, into very marked relationship power differentials. It’s like I’m the powerful one or I’m the weak one. The dominant or the submissive. I may seek to dominate or to be submissive. Others may seek domination or submission from me. And it’s all driven by fear of intimacy. Within extreme power differentials there is both the security and the profound disappointment that emotional intimacy will be kept securely under wraps.

So I thank the Universe for “Equality” and how it has served us well in our battles to be treated fairly. However I would urge against a full-scale stampede towards a tepid, insipid, and magnolia painted lifestyle within the mainstream. Keep remembering that we queers are different and some of us are more different than others! By continuing to be our fabulous, unique, beautiful selves, out on the margins, we will inevitably transform the world for the better. And don’t forget that to equalize the power differences within your personal relationships may be the way to find a more fulfilling and intimacy rich existence!

Butch? Bitch? Whatever! Be Who You Are!!

This is my second article for GSCENE and will appear in the JUNE issue.....

Remember back to when you first realised you weren’t like the other kids. Maybe as a boy you identified with the girls [I loved to skip and knit!]. Maybe as a girl you identified more with boys?

Research tells us that if boys are seen as ‘sissies’ by their peers age 8, the vast majority will be gay men 15 years later and a few will identify as Trans. Girls seen as ‘tomboys’ will predominantly identify as straight women, fewer will be lesbian and very much fewer will be Trans Men.

As an LGBT tribe who are, as children, ‘adopted away’ at birth into straight homes we get pretty messed up about our identities as we develop and as our true natures become apparent to us and those around us.

But for most of us we also have the great gift, from a very early stage in life, to be confronted by the BIG question “Do I become who I truly am or do I become what others would prefer me to be?”

It is a gift because the younger you are and the starker the choice between the two options, then the more likely it is that you will choose to take the route to becoming who you truly are. And then this is the first step on the route to allowing your soul to lead your ego.

Whether we are prepared to accept our ‘queerness’ or prefer to disguise it we’ve got ‘a long row to hoe’ because our society with its strict male/female stereotypes still wants its men to be men and its women to be women [except of course for entertainment purposes]. So we are battered and bruised either externally, by a hostile society, for being who we are, or internally, for failing to be true to ourselves.

Quentin Crisp was very influential in my struggles as I was growing up and having to make some difficult decisions at the tender age of 14.

He came into my life firstly in the manifestation of the actor John Hurt playing the role of this unashamedly gay man in the film ‘The Naked Civil Servant’. Subsequently his powerful voice for the victory of the soul over the compromising ego shouted out at me from his autobiography of the same name. His life story has been described as ‘the triumph of the solitary uncompromising voice over the faceless multitude’. Sting famously visited him when Quentin had moved over from London to live in New York after facing over 4 decades of attacks for being who he was from a very homophobic british society.

After hearing his stories of victimisation Sting wrote ‘Englishman in New York’ which includes the lines ‘it takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile, be yourself no matter what they say’

So recognise that you’ve come a long way already! Butch, Bitch, Straight Acting Gay Man, Femme Lesbian, Trans,-Whatever!

And recognise that beneath your ego- accumulated like layers of sediment deposited over the years to defend and protect you and help you feel connected-deep within your very being is your true essence which is immediately accessible to you as the feeling of your own presence in this moment. It is the realisation ‘I AM’ which is prior to ‘I AM THIS’ or I AM THAT’

Enjoy it now-and let it be in charge of your life!