Thank Heaven for Our Elders!

There are two certainties we can be sure of in life: death and taxes.

We can’t escape taxes. But we try to escape death.

Our elders are a wonderful reminder that no matter how we might want to primp and peel our wrinkles away, no matter how many facelifts we have to keep ourselves deceptively young looking, death is our constant companion, a time bomb ticking away relentlessly, ready to detonate at any time. Ageing and degenerative diseases go hand in hand and just as our sick society tries to airbrush ageing and death out of our consciousness so too does it try to look the other way when the arthritis kicks in, or when the heart failure and strokes begin to take their toll.

I have two friends with cancer- one a lesbian with end stage terminal breast cancer, the other a gay man with malignant prostate cancer. Their diseases seem to be particularly cruel, attacking those very organs that may well have been central aspects of their sexuality. Now, as older members of our LGBT family, they feel stigmatised not only because they are old and sick but, especially, because their illnesses are centred on their sexual selves.

So what can we do about our fears of illness and ageing? First recognize that death denial is deeply programmed into our wider society with its highly lucrative cosmetic industries and its cult for youth adulation. Next recognise that for whatever reason the fear of ageing present in our wider culture is multiplied several fold in our LGBT community. Finally see that there is a direct relationship between the denial of death/ illness in a person’s life and their levels of existential fear and anxiety. The more you deny death the more your life will be permeated by a deep sense of fear.

The antidote to our existential angst is to get a grip and face up to the reality of our mortality. If we can embrace death as an integral part of our daily life we can then be strong enough to turn toward reminders of our physical frailty and impermanence rather than wincing and turning away from them.

Only then might it be possible to look with reverence to our elders as evidencing the truth of the transience of our physical existence through their ageing and physical decline.

How often have you scowled at your reflection in the mirror as you spot the latest evidence of an older you; balding, greying, wrinkles, bags, sags? How often have you appraised an ache, pain or symptom as the latest development in your body’s decline?

Try this exercise. The next time you find yourself scanning your reflection for signs of wear and tear, focus on each element that is older than it was. Now instead of deriding these features, wishing them away and planning for their surgical ablation, look at them as badges of honour; as living proof of your mortality for you to wear as an acceptance and celebration of your imminent death. Know that your body will die but that your being, within, is beyond mortality and infinite!

Then the next time you scan your body for symptoms of ailments, marvel at the way your body has carried you this far for so long -like a vintage motorcar that is still running against all the odds.

Once you’ve made your peace with your internalised ageism you’re ready to begin to love and accept our LGBT elders. Maybe you’d be even ready to cuddle a crinkly. See how you get on with that as an exercise!

Email me:GaySocrates@gmail.com or google GaySocrates for my blog

[This is my column for the October 'Age Revisited' edition of GScene Magazine]