I'm emotionally exhausted. My mother is 92 and has just been diagnosed with a very advanced stomach cancer which is preventing her from eating anything or drinking much. I'm just back from a 6 day stint nursing her on my own 24/7 during which time she deteriorated from being totally independent on day 1 to requiring total nursing care by day 3 with no services being aware of how bad things had become. She was offered the possibility of an operation to bypass the tumour with a plastic tube but she understandably declined. When I left her in the capable hands of district nurses, hospice workers and my older brother and sister yesterday she wasn't sure if she'd be able to manage to drink sufficient to keep herself alive for Mother's Day tomorrow when my eldest brother arrives from Canada. As I kissed her goodbye I said that it would probably be the last time I saw her alive. She said 'Don't worry about that- I'll always be with you'. I drove the 250 miles back home yesterday choking and blinking back my painful pangs of grief. There's a part of me thinking I should be back there sitting vigil with my brothers and sister whilst she dies. I'm totally drained from the unexpected horribleness of it all. They all understood why I needed to get some distance from it for a few days. I'm hoping she'll hold out until this Friday when I had scheduled a weeks annual leave from work (I'd been due to be traveling up to a long anticipated faerie gathering at Featherstone Castle but I won't be able to do that now) It's most likely that I'll get a call over the next few days to say she won't last long and I'll jump in the car for the 6/7 hours drive and catch her final minutes/hours/days. Then there'll be the funeral to get through. And then at the age of 54 I'll be embarking on the adjustment to my newly orphaned status.
The Earth Mother Loved her into life!
She lived Love into my life!
As one of the most beautiful stars in the Universe,
She is about to return to the womb,
And her Love has now become a golden thread
In the fabric of our community.
Wu Chi-Tai Chi- Wu Chi