I have been meditating recently on what is most likely to push me into remoteness from being fully present to myself and to others in the world. What is it which causes me to only half live my life, to fritter it away pining for better times gone by or hoping for a more favourable future? What are the themes that preoccupy me and push me onto the sidelines of my existence?
I’ve come to the conclusion that my ego is the greatest distraction I have from what matters to me most because it tries, and often succeeds, in convincing me that something else matters more than living my life from moment to moment, fully aware of, and acknowledging my life as it truly is!
For me there are three main facets to my distracting ego. The first I would describe as an anxious hypochondriac- frightened of death but even more afraid of existing with any of many ailments that might leave him plagued by chronic pain. The second facet I would describe as a screaming power queen- constantly considering her position within relationships and working out ways to avoid making herself vulnerable. The third facet is a craving sex fiend. He worries that I’m not getting enough and constantly plans how to get more! At any one time of the day I can pretty much guarantee that at least one of these characters will be sitting centre stage in my head reciting one of a series of very well rehearsed monologues. You, dear reader, will no doubt, have your own unique versions of these distracting egos.
You may not have noticed, but one of the tricks that our brains regularly plays on us is that they somehow get us to overlook that a brain is simply no more than a clever tool we have developed for our survival and evolution. Our brain’s thoughts are not ‘who we are’ and these ego identities, masquerading as real personality in our heads, are just so much interference and noise distracting from our true selves- or souls which simply yearn for attachment with each other. I was reflecting with a friend today on what might be the source of these distracting ego identities for queer folk and wondered whether maybe we indulge these identities and consequently find ourselves accepting a semi-detached position from life because of the bullying we have encountered over the years.
What a cruel and bullying society we live in which tells us from our earliest years that our identities and natural sexual impulses are wrong and shameful! Am I comfortable with my somatic, sexual and power preoccupations because it keeps me from the danger of revealing myself as truly different, exposing myself authentically but in so doing making myself vulnerable to attack, invalidation and ridicule?
What is it that gets in the way of us being who we truly are? If it is the fear of a bullying society which is intolerant of diversity and authenticity isn’t it time we stopped being pushed into the shadows and started shining out your truth?
It was coming out that saved me. Prior to that it was the fear of society's bullying as you describe it, intimidation (largely self imposed) in the presence of the strong, outgoing, brilliant men I so yearned to know and maybe love, and concern over loss of friends and family.
ReplyDeleteI was when I finally got a clear view of myself, what I had accomplished in life, what there was still to explore, that I pulled together the strength to say fuck it and make the leap. Everything, absolutely everything pulled into line. I lost nobody and I gained the world. My sometimes paralyzing shyness disappeared and the very men who had seemed intimidating became my closest and often my intimates -- because I let them be. I let myself go and found myself in the process.