For some strange reason I’m not really feeling up to dispensing words of wisdom this week! Feeling a bit emotionally fragile and I keep wondering about the element in my readership who will, as I was when a younger man, be mistrustful of those older and purportedly wiser. I’m starting to convince myself that no one actually listens to the twittering of granddad, least of all granddad’s son and grandson.
Yet here I am issuing forth with advice and hoping that someone will find it helpful or interesting. Hmm! Well here goes anyhoo!
The two themes this week are narcissistic defence and religious rejection. I’ve mentioned my friend Peter in the past few weeks. Been through a low patch after breaking up with a lover and moved from Brighton to London to get it out of his system. He’s now a lot happier and in the zone. Changed jobs and making lots of new friends. Having lots of superficial sex. I’ve been happy for him at one level but I’m also recognising a trait in him that was a major feature in myself when I was his age. It is the tendency to escape difficult emotions through the consecutive ego massages provided by serial sexual encounters. Finding people to be sexually drawn towards me and taking their words of appreciation about my body and looks as balm to the wounds of my low self esteem. And it’s all very addictive because it’s reinforced by the pleasure of orgasmic release at the end of the night. However as you approach the end of your sexual career you are still left with how you feel towards your inner self- the person who only you know you are- not who you’d like to be, or think you can become, or what people want you to become, or fantasize that you might be.
That’s when your sexual allure has faded and instead of seeing a red hot guy, people see a grey old man. And instead of feeling hot and horny you’re feeling cold and arthritic. It’s only then that you see how the temporary fix of lifting your spirits with sexual admiration melts into nothing. Like a mirage. Leaving nothing but memories, which may as well have been dreams.
I can’t berate Peter for what he’s doing. I did the same myself. But I hope he can find some way to stop himself before his sexual prowess and attractiveness diminish. I was lucky enough to meet my partner and found ways of tackling my sex addiction so that it didn’t destroy our relationship. Maybe Peter will find someone to love enough that he won’t need to keep jerking himself off- narcissistically speaking.
The other profound thought I was grappling with this week was to do with religious rejection and the damaging effect it has on the developing personality. I suppose the spiritual environment provided for a child by its parents is an important foundation for security and provides a starting point for understanding the mysteries of the universe and one’s place in it. I was in the unfortunate position of being brought up in a Roman Catholic family where sexual activity was closely identified with sin guilt and damnation. My straight classmates at school were all redeemable because they could simply go to confession; disclose their sexual exploits and all would be forgiven. As a homosexual, I was labelled, as ‘intrinsically disordered’ and my only hope would be to abstain and lead a life of celibacy. Fat chance of that! So I chose a route, which would mean I would be in a spiritual wilderness for years.
On that happy note I’ll leave you. More of this next week!
Gay guys have loads of superficial sex because they can. For that very same reason the dog licks his balls. He can.
ReplyDeleteYou may choose to call this a narcissitic defence, and I am sure that there are many people who would gladly agree with you on that one.
Yet, you may want to consider the nature of male sexual behavior. Males have been hard-wired to do their utmost and spread their seed as far and as wide and as often as possible. Obviously, various cultures have attempted to regulate this unstoppable discourse with various degrees of success.
There is a growing awarness among many men nowadays, straight and gay alike that the 'civilizing mission' of various cultural prohibitions of fre(er) male sexuality has largely overstated its cause, lost its legitimacy and has been rather very counterproductive. Divorce rates are higher than ever globally. And the White Parties, swinging clubs and similar events and institutions are more popular than ever, too.
There is a growing consensus that consentual sex among adults as much as their mutual living arrangements based on the respect for the age of consent as well as for the consentual nature of their arrangements happens to be purely a private matter, soon to be protected by the instruments of civil law.
I would be handling the 'narcisstic defense' with utmost care, when it comes to male sexuality these days.
SC
Thanks for this SC!
ReplyDeleteYes I agree the hard-wiring is there but most primates find ways of regulating the unabated drive of Testosterone. Marmosets,for instance, live in colonies of 25-30 and yet there is usually just one mating pair. Maybe there is scope to restrain the natural imperative for the sake of social ties and sublimated relationships and a deeper understanding of the self?
Maybe not :-)
I'm just speaking from my personal experience as a youth which was driven by a pincer attack of narcissistic defense against my low self esteem on the one hand and masculine horniness on the other. Meant that I neglected deepening my interpersonal relationships and concentrated instead on quantity, variety and novelty.
Also think that my friend is going through a similar thing right now. That's maybe why we get on so well-we have similar issues.
Now I've spent some time regulating my sexual drive for the sake of deepening my relationship with my partner, that drive to have lots and lots of sex has abated.
But then again that's probably because my testosterone levels are subsiding.
I wouldn't want to judge others who have chosen to have lots of sex in defiance of society's up-tight attitudes to sexual playfulness. Good Luck-but beware of sex addiction driven by narcissistic defense against low self esteem. It's quite common in gay men because of their growing up in an environment hostile to their invisible yet invalid sexuality!
GaySocrates