22 Will the Real Identity Please Stand Up?

A number of things have come together recently to get me thinking about anonymous LGBT blogging and the role it plays in helping us to grow and develop

1         Last week I was checking out the anonymous blog of mm-UrbanSnag. He has only just started blogging and he stated in one of his first entries that he was already worried that his blog alter ego might overtake his true identity.

It gave me pause for thought. What is it about anonymous gay bloging that could be useful for the personality development of LGBT people? Here am I, anonymously gay-blogging and getting a lot out of it!

2         I’ve been struck for some time by the paradox that maybe the most secure place in a persons home for them to write their truest most honest thoughts –thoughts that they would not even have their partners or best friends see-is within a computer file on a password protected computer which is then uploaded onto the most publicly accessible information network on the planet!

There’s almost something ‘naturist for the mind’ about it. Divesting yourself of your mental concealments in the company of tens of thousands of others. Everyone removing their 'fear of telling it how it is' all together is refreshingly freeing and uplifting

3         Then a few days ago I read another blog entry by a recovering crystal meth addict, who was, that very day, deciding to close down his blog because he’d made the big mistake of telling friends and acquaintances how to access his site. As a consequence he was painfully realising that he had now lost his ‘private place’ to develop who he was becoming.

4         GayBanker is one of my favourite blogs at the moment. One of his more whimsical entries suggested that the Coming Out process could be likened to the belt grading system of a martial art like say judo or karate. So that a complete beginner is a ‘white belt’, is fairly closeted and is just making the first moves towards developing a privately acknowledged public gay persona. At the other extreme is the truly enlightened ‘black belt’ fully out in all contexts and at one with himself to such an extent that it no longer enters his mind that it is an issue.

It made me wonder about the process of writing an anonymous gay blog and where that lies on the spectrum of ‘coming-out-enlightenment’

In our early years, as queer people growing up in a hostile environment, we naturally build up a 'false self' designed to throw people off the track of our true sexuality. That then sets the scene for a sham ego and a more genuine alter ego, which is identified with the unacceptable sexuality.

The beauty of the anonymous gay blog is that it allows for the growth and development of that genuine alter ego. It gives light and sustenance to a seedling, which has been attempting to grow in the dark. Yellow straggly leaves can gradually become strong green shoots. Putting the private and shameful unashamedly into the public domain must be a step on the road to coming-out-enlightenment. Maybe the penultimate step would be to continue with the blog content but to go public and deal with the issues that needed it to be anonymous in the first place! And the final step would be to finally no longer benefit from the process and so to stop doing it and completely wind up the blog!

I can see that I’m still some considerable way from that particular ‘nirvana of the ego’. Of course most eastern philosophies eschew the ego as a distraction from soul so the integration of false self and genuine repressed alter ego is just the half way point to a truly enlightened position which would then be the recognition of the whole edifice of ego as an elaborate conceit which, for true happiness needs to be carefully dismantled brick by brick!

Last week I was really faced up to this difference in identities between ‘The Blogger GaySocrates’ and  ‘True Me’.

I was contacted out of the blue by a fellow blogger –Rory -who had left a comment on one of my recent entries.

This is what he said:

 

Enjoying your blog! I'm a 30 yr old guy who has never really known any older gay guys, I guess because I don’t really know all that many gay guys at all (not involved in the 'community'). Fascinated to hear the insights and experiences of guys who may or may not have a slightly wiser and more mature outlook. Haven’t read much of your blog but have bookmarked and will keep reading :)

 

 I checked out his blog and was blown away by the beauty and simplicity of his outlook, which was striking chords all over the place with me. He was doing the Artists Way as an attempt to unblock his creativity

This is what I said back:

 

Aw thanks for your interest in my blog Rory!

I've just taken a look at your blog and web site and I really like your outlook! Very Zen and Artists' Way!

I too am a big Julia Cameron fan and continue to write my morning pages 2 years after working though the 12 weeks.

As one who is questing to live in the NOW-have you read Eckhart Tolle's 'The Power of Now"?

That really helped me to be more present.

I've linked your blog to mine and will keep watching your posts.

I believe you will get well from your ME.

My partner has been fighting a battle with it for the past few years so I really know what you're going through.

We've been sifting through all the millions of possible causes and wondered if the insecticide used for de-fleaing our cats-we've got 4! might have been responsible.

There is a literature on organo-phosphate poisoning and it can produce an ME -like syndrome. Just mentioned it because I noticed you have some lovely pets too.

All the best.

Oh and I agree with you about Twitter-it's all about ego and saying 'look at me'. Your blog is different-more a meditation- getting into the zone of who you truly are. Hope my interest in you doesn't put you off.

 

His reply was:

 

Hey GaySocrates,

 

Thanks for your email; it's great to hear from you! Fab to speak to another Artist's way person - I actually first did it quite a few years back and found it good so am re-doing the course now. Morning pages are actually quite addictive, aren't they? What kind of artist are you, yourself? Did you find it helped loosen any creative blocks?

 

Funny you should mention 'Power of Now', that book is like my bible! Really love Eckhart, found his work has helped me in so many ways. In fact I was just watching one of his talks last night; if there's anything I love more than his books it's watching/listening to his live seminars; he has a certain energy that's totally contagious, a real serenity and peace. Yup, he's been a huge inspiration in my life. I used to be quite a stressed person but I think I've totally chilled now, in fact if anything I'm too chilled sometimes, if that's possible. Maybe that's not a bad thing though. I just don't take any of it too seriously now...

 

Sorry to hear that your partner, full sympathy - its not something I'd wish on anyone. I first developed it when I was about 18 following glandular fever, then was bad with it for about 3 years. Then I seemed to recover about 90% before it got really bad again a couple of years ago. Really bad! I've also explored various different causes and 'treatments' but nothing has kicked it...least not yet. Nope, it's not a nice thing....I just try to make the best of it and accept. When I get all upset about it, which does happen sometimes, it just makes it worse.

 

Anyway - it's really great to hear from you, and hope that you are having a super day. Thanks for checking out my blog by the way - it probably gets a bit too deep and 'zen' for most people, but my approach with both it and my art is that I simply do what I like and what feels right for me. If I started tailoring it to what had mass appeal I'd quickly lose interest. You should see some of my artwork; it's totally out of the ordinary and I don't know if it would have mass appeal, but I really don't care. It's me! :-)

 

Take care

 

 

Then my reply back was

 

Rory

You are the answer to the dreams I had when I first thought about blogging

:-)

I have a theory that if you keep yourself busy with the work of creativity then you will not only become at one with yourself but you will also find yourself surrounded by kindred spirits. And conversely, if you are at one with yourself then you will inevitably be a creative being and will be happy to be so whether alone or in company.

I loved your reflections about whether or not you were happy to be writing a blog the might not be being read by anyone else!

:-)

With regard to what 'kind' of artist I am-that’s a difficult question to answer.

I've just read a Rumi quote that said something important about what I strive to do/ be

 

The law of wonder rules my life at last

I burn each second of my life to love

Each second of my life burns out in love

In each leaping second love lives afresh....

 

And yes the Artists Way unblocked me from feeling that I had to 'consume' others' creative efforts and freed me from comparing my offerings with those of creative giants and legitimized me being brave enough to be me!

Please don't apologize for your depth - I think it is truly profound and unique in one so young as yourself!

It seems you have had a difficult time with illness. I'm convinced that illness and suffering give you access to wisdom and equanimity if you can accept them as gifts. I wonder if this is how you have come so far.

I thought of you when I read the verse

 

Seizing my life in your hands you thrashed it clean

On the savage rocks of Eternal Mind

How its colours bled until they grew white!

You smile and sit back; I dry in your sun

 

I wonder what life is like for you with your wisdom in the far reaches of Presbyterian Scotland?

Do people appreciate you ...or is it all a bit too odd for them all?

 

It's great to hear from you!

And I'd love to see your Artwork. 

Oh yes-and what's happened to that novel?

I read the interview about it and was all set to order a copy on LULU.com but then it was nowhere to be seen!

:-)

Love

Keep in touch?

 

His reply back

 

Hi GaySocrates

 

Thanks for the email - and the quotes. Boy, does Rumi have a way with words - every sentence he writes just drips with beauty! I don't know how he does (or that did) it.

 

I'm also glad to have met a kindred spirit as well. In answer to your question about what people make of me...the moment I read it i was stumped. Started a few moments of introspection. I'm just me, I was always quite popular as I projected a certain persona; I was always the life and soul of the party. Since I've been ill I've calmed down and dropped the persona in many ways, i'm quieter and less inclined to put a lamp shade over the light, if you know what I mean. I've found friends either keep up with you when you change or you don't really connect any more and drift apart. Sadly the latter kind of happened to me and my boyfriend of 4 and a half years. I realised he didn't understand who I was in the slightest and we mutually decided to just be friends. Fortunately we have remained great friends and I still love him in many ways, but it's symptomatic of a certain isolation you feel when you decide that you are going to embody the truth of who you are rather than what others want you to be or what the world demands you should be. I've changed a lot of small outer things over the past couple of years - from becoming vegetarian and refusing to watch violent TV, to just disengaging from the superficialities that bore me about the 'world' and how people relate. To some people even small changes like that become a gulf between you...

 

OK - enough therapy talk. Sorry! :-P

 

Your other question, about my novel - I did put it for sale for a short while, mainly so friends and family could read it. I then decided that self-publishing wasn't really the way I wanted to go. I also kept changing things in the manuscript! Now, I'm not sure what to do - I'm sick of rejection slips, even though they say you have to endure dozens of them in order to get anywhere. I used to have a dream that it could become a bestseller and I'd sell the film rights (I still think it'd be a heck of a great film and everyone who's read it agrees).. But now my dreams have kind of dissipated a bit. Maybe I should hold onto them, or maybe I should just accept that if it was meant to be published it would be already. Actually, just writing that makes me realise that it's a defeatist attitude and that I should persevere...! Even if it means self-publishing. It doesn't have to be a bestseller anymore - I'd just be happy with selling however many copies I sell.

 

Anyway - thanks again for your email. Sorry for rambling on about myself. Tell me about yourself - I must go back to your blog and read more. Where do you live? How's your partner's ME now? Hope he's doing a bit better.

 

Have a great Easter by the way! Take care,

 

Rory :)

 

Finally my relpy

 

Hey Rory

Happy Easter

:-)

Thanks for sharing who you are with me- it didn't seem like therapy talk to me!

Please don't apologize for this- I really love it!

:-)

I'd really like to read your novel- if you put it back on lulu I'd buy it. And how do I get to see some of your artwork. Maybe you can strengthen yourself against the rejection slip pain by getting some independent positive strokes. 

I know from what I know of you already that I'd love both your writing and your artwork!

Sounds like- from what you say in your blog- your Inner Critic is the biggest obstacle you face in overcoming your rejection aversion. Each time you get a rejection slip, your IC throws a party.

:-)

Me?

I live in Brighton which has its up side and its not so up side. The up side is that it's bright, warm, cheerful, and young with a well-developed alternative gay scene.

Lots of people come down to party and to holiday for the weekend so there's usually an upbeat feel to the place.

There are also thousands of creatives -highest concentration of apple Mac users outside London. And generally a 'live and let live' attitude to others

The down side is the sheer number of gay people here means that there seems to be a reluctance to invest in gay friendship when things get tough because there's always another potential friendship around the corner and the 'quality' of gay people here means that there are lots of drifters and transients who maybe have struggled to fit in elsewhere and have gravitated to what they fantasize will be a gay nirvana. There's also a sinister underclass that are resentful of the acceptance of the huge influx of a gay population. It's a bit like wherever there is over-representation of a minority the BNP seems to attract a higher than average level of interest.

:-(

My BFs ME is up and down. He's on a treatment trial at St Barts. He's in the 'control' group which means he meets with a Professor every few weeks and discusses his various symptoms-headache, muscle and joint aches and pains, fatigue, dodgy guts and endeavors to manage the symptoms and to pace himself.

He's only been doing this for a few months but the very business of getting a definitive diagnosis and the catharsis, of being able to freely talk about the full range of his symptoms without feeling he's boring people or that people are judging him or thinking he's mad or even fearing he may be infectious, has been a great release for him.

We've just started to move from being worried that it was all being caused by something more life threatening towards an acceptance that this is the deal and it just has to be coped with.

He's working his way through Full Catastrophe Living, which is a self-help manual to cope with stress and illness using mindfulness techniques.

Not sure if you would find it helpful. Sounds like you're cultivating equanimity towards your ups and downs already

 

I then asked for his permission to publish the emails to illustrate a point in this blog and thankfully he agreed

:-)

As the emails were going back and forth I started to realize that my own email persona seemed less genuine and true-to-me compared to my blog persona. So what was that all about?

It felt as though 'being exactly who I am'-as GaySocrates - jeopardized the business of relating directly with someone whom I intuitively admired!

Would I frighten Rory by seeming too spiritual, too self-obsessed, too obscure, too arrogant, pompous, ancient? Did I need to hold back, edit apologize?

 

That’s when I realized I’ve still got along way to go before I get my ‘black belt’

21 Aversion to 'certain people'-the mirror image of attachment to the idealised self

I've recently fallen out with a very accomplished gay couple who have been wanting to be friends of ours for years. It’s given me lots of cause for reflection on the nature of aversion and what it is that determines whether one likes or dislikes someone. I was reading a Buddhist text yesterday- 'Mindfulness: The Path to the Deathless'-on the principle of Aversion and it suddenly struck me where I’ve been going wrong.

The idea as I understood it is that when it comes to not liking people –it’s not people that you get an aversion towards- the aversion is in your mind and it is created out of whatever desires you have to be or become. Once you have created that context, aversion flows quite naturally from that. So that anyone who threatens to undermine your fantasy of who you are, what you desire to have or become, becomes an enemy. The extent of your aversion will be directly proportional to the extent to which your ego is threatened.

It means that no matter how worthy your aspirations may be you will always find your bete noire to do battle with and that will be a constant source of suffering to you. The Buddhist idea is to endeavour to just be who you are. Don’t develop an elaborate ego that demands feeding with attachments and defending from attack.

It’s really quite counter to the Judeo-Christian idea of aspiring to be good and nice and doing battle with those who are bad and not so nice. Trouble is that the gooder and nicer you aspire to be the badder and nastier are the enemies that surround you!

So consequently the long and the short of it is that on reflection and following deep introspection, I think that my falling out with the couple who have been keen to be our friends was born from the first weeks of meeting them and sensing that there was a selfishness and a callous disregard towards those they identified as  ‘outsiders’. (That's right you guessed it- I really prize selflessness and inclusion of outsiders)

It’s taken years for me to actually locate my discomfort. And it’s been complicated by the fact that my partner was ‘best mates’ with one of the couple and the intensity of that friendship petered out for its own reasons. However, in the final analysis, although I would instinctively point the finger of blame for the falling out at “them”, the only one who can be responsible for the creation and destruction of the friendship, as I perceived it-is me. I am the author, in my head, of who is nice, not nice, acceptable, and unacceptable. And I, for whatever reason, allowed a longstanding relationship to grow between myself and some people who were, right from the start, somehow not acceptable to me!

So what have I learned?

The big lesson here for me is to become aware of the rules I’m making up about my aspirations and be conscious that every layer of ego that I acquire leads to an other layer of aversion towards another swathe of people. I suppose true happiness can be found if it’s possible to disintegrate the accretions of ego that have grown over the years. I suppose that would be the path to having the capacity to love unconditionally and universally. Now that would be an interesting aspiration!

Butch? Bitch? Whatever! Be Who You Are!!

This is my second article for GSCENE and will appear in the JUNE issue.....

Remember back to when you first realised you weren’t like the other kids. Maybe as a boy you identified with the girls [I loved to skip and knit!]. Maybe as a girl you identified more with boys?

Research tells us that if boys are seen as ‘sissies’ by their peers age 8, the vast majority will be gay men 15 years later and a few will identify as Trans. Girls seen as ‘tomboys’ will predominantly identify as straight women, fewer will be lesbian and very much fewer will be Trans Men.

As an LGBT tribe who are, as children, ‘adopted away’ at birth into straight homes we get pretty messed up about our identities as we develop and as our true natures become apparent to us and those around us.

But for most of us we also have the great gift, from a very early stage in life, to be confronted by the BIG question “Do I become who I truly am or do I become what others would prefer me to be?”

It is a gift because the younger you are and the starker the choice between the two options, then the more likely it is that you will choose to take the route to becoming who you truly are. And then this is the first step on the route to allowing your soul to lead your ego.

Whether we are prepared to accept our ‘queerness’ or prefer to disguise it we’ve got ‘a long row to hoe’ because our society with its strict male/female stereotypes still wants its men to be men and its women to be women [except of course for entertainment purposes]. So we are battered and bruised either externally, by a hostile society, for being who we are, or internally, for failing to be true to ourselves.

Quentin Crisp was very influential in my struggles as I was growing up and having to make some difficult decisions at the tender age of 14.

He came into my life firstly in the manifestation of the actor John Hurt playing the role of this unashamedly gay man in the film ‘The Naked Civil Servant’. Subsequently his powerful voice for the victory of the soul over the compromising ego shouted out at me from his autobiography of the same name. His life story has been described as ‘the triumph of the solitary uncompromising voice over the faceless multitude’. Sting famously visited him when Quentin had moved over from London to live in New York after facing over 4 decades of attacks for being who he was from a very homophobic british society.

After hearing his stories of victimisation Sting wrote ‘Englishman in New York’ which includes the lines ‘it takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile, be yourself no matter what they say’

So recognise that you’ve come a long way already! Butch, Bitch, Straight Acting Gay Man, Femme Lesbian, Trans,-Whatever!

And recognise that beneath your ego- accumulated like layers of sediment deposited over the years to defend and protect you and help you feel connected-deep within your very being is your true essence which is immediately accessible to you as the feeling of your own presence in this moment. It is the realisation ‘I AM’ which is prior to ‘I AM THIS’ or I AM THAT’

Enjoy it now-and let it be in charge of your life!

20 AIDS killed our Angel Elders.....and the merits of good posture

Went to a concert last night and was fortunate enough to be in a conversation with the pianist/composer in the bar afterwards. One of his pieces was a composition written for a film called 'Killing Angels' which documented the death by AIDS of a network of friends. It was from back in the days when AIDS was guaranteed to kill. For the concert he'd decided to re-name the music because, he said, 'after all these years it no longer had a temporal connection to the film'. But as he was speaking about the film and the re-naming of the piece it struck me that as a community we're still reeling from the loss of what would have been our elders. A whole swathe of what would now have become seasoned and experienced friends and acquaintances are not there for us. Those that survived the plague are atypical. The generation that went before may have been too grief stricken with the loss of their younger peers that they would have been unprepared or unable to pass on their wisdom to the generation below. And then into this vulnerable and wounded community steps western consumerism with its conditional acceptance of the gay lifestyle. Conditional because of the need to be, and to stay, both young and fabulous. Conditional because of the need to spend on clothes, cosmetics, accessories, surgery to keep age at bay and to cultivate beautifulness. Conditional because it's your duty to be beautiful-if you want to be loved! All this means that my connection with the older generation is missing and there is a growing chasm between the young and the less young.

Anyway this week I was going to talk about posture!

I remember very clearly when I was in my teens being told by my parents and teachers not to slouch. Trouble was that bad posture was-well- 'cool' and good posture was associated with being a goody-goody-teacher's-pet type. In my generation the older girls at school were still having classes in 'deportment' where they would practice walking with books balanced on their heads as a way of learning correct posture. At the time this seemed very old fashioned and was seen by a generation of burgeoning feminists as a male chauvinistic controlling influence. Girls stopped taking domestic science classes and learning how to sew and look pretty. Bad posture was something like long hair for boys. Something that parents would complain to you about but it was your duty to rebel against. Slouching around with long hair was a badge of honor in the battle against the values of our parents' generation.

Sadly I'm now reaping the consequences of a lifetime of bad posture and, with chronic low back pain that just crept up on me over the years, I'm finally having to accept that the advice to stand up straight and to sit sensibly was not just nagging for the sake of just giving me a hard time. 

Thankfully, over several years, I'm beginning to unlearn some of my bad postural habits.

My advice to you now-young men- is, if you want to avoid years of crippling back pain, don't get to the stage where you've got to unlearn years of bad practice. And if someone wants to give you a present worth around £60 get them to buy you a couple of Alexander Technique sessions and get into the habit of doing some regular yoga, Pilates or Tai Chi.

By all means buy stuff and have a fabulous time but take time to look after your body and find some space to feed your soul!

19 GaySocrates- Seasoned Experience for Young Bucks

Just been doing some checking out of Socrates on Google and discovered a great translation of ‘The Apology’ which is Plato’s play describing the trial of Socrates ( http://classics.mit.edu/Plato/apology.html )

As we all know Socrates was a great Greek philosopher. I hadn’t realised that he didn’t write much but what we know of him was from the writings of his pupil Plato. The two philosophers were great lovers of men. Socrates was sentenced to drink poison following a trial where he was accused, and subsequently found guilty, of corrupting the youth of Athens.

I suppose Socrates is a bit of a hero to me since I too have a mission to corrupt the youth of my community!

Through writing this blog I’m becoming acutely aware of the power of language to defeat an argument before it’s even started. Initially I was thinking about a strap-line that included words like 'advice from someone older and wiser'. But how off-putting to a potential reader is that? The implication being that the writer is old and decrepit but also that the reader is lacking in wit.

I’m preferring the word 'seasoned' as opposed to 'older' implying, as it does, that through age something has been accumulated and there is now something more rather than something less!

Similarly ‘experienced’ doesn’t place a value judgement on what has been experienced. It’s avoiding saying ‘read this blog, it’s full of things you need to know and by not knowing them you’re a lesser person and by reading it you’re acknowledging that you’re in need of improving'.

I suppose I’m beginning to see that no matter how what I have to say is packaged, it will inevitably fail to reach its target audience.

So maybe I need to just accept that!

I know for sure that a former me in my 20s and 30s would have never thought to seek advice from an older man. In fact I would have been actively avoiding and extremely cautious about anything coming from anyone even remotely resembling my father. Young men, women and nurturing older men were the only people I would trust or pay attention to. Any older male with intellectual ideas and advice would be seen as immediately suspect.

But with the passage of time, I’ve managed to make my peace with my old father and now I’m more open not only to receiving ideas from the previous generation but also to transmitting ideas to the next generation.

I’ll be quite happy though if these musings are read by my own generation. Just as something to chew over or to identify with or to react against.

So what has my seasoned experience taught me that can be put in terms which wont just sound like a nagging broken record? That’s for me to perfect. I need to keep working on it J

Gay Wisdom-Handed Down the Generations-From Gaysocrates

Ok! So Brighton's very own Gay Community Listings Magazine-GSCENE - has kindly agreed to publish my musings as a monthly column!!

Many Thanks to the editor James Ledward

This is a sneak preview which will be published in the MAY edition...

 When my partner caught me googling “Gay Wisdom” he said “Isn’t gay wisdom stuff like NEVER WEAR CRIMPLENE TO A WEDDING?”

Hmm! Not sure entirely why, but about six months ago I started to crave something spiritual which wasn’t religious. I wondered if it would be possible to find an individual, or group who could help me ‘tend to the needs of my soul’. Now I’ve had some interesting debates with friends about whether there is a difference between mind and soul, and that’s for future columns, so if you can, just bear with me. I don’t mean soul in a conventional religious sense-whatever a turn-off that might mean to you. I mean soul in the sense of ‘who you truly are’ stripped of the expectations you have of yourself.

As the years go by and I grow longer in the tooth I’m increasingly aware of how difficult it can be to stay focused on being your true self. From birth most people are saddled with the hopes, dreams, expectations and vicarious aspirations of parental figures. Then come the rules and social expectations of school and friends. Most gay children will also have experienced the discomfort of growing up in the context of a homophobic religious belief system. Add to that the powerful messages bombarding us as adults from the media about what we should and shouldn’t be and do, the influence of friends and the expectations occurring within more intimate relationships and it’s not surprising that ‘who you truly are’ gets lost, confused, confounded and frustrated.

So I started to hunger for some guidance on how best to remain faithful to my true self!

I then became acutely aware that I was the oldest gay person I knew. There were no straightforward ways in my life to befriend any older gay guys who might be a source of that advice and guidance. At the same time I was beginning to feel more and more alienated from younger gay men who seemed to be coming from another world from me in terms of their attitudes and ideas. It was as if I existed in this hermetically sealed generation pod with little chance to connect meaningfully with gay men from younger or older generations and it didn’t seem right!

It seems that the scope for the giving and receiving of trans-generational advice within the gay community has become fairly limited for lots of reasons.

Sweeping legal changes and newly acquired relative equality before the law drives a chasm of difference between young and old. Media youth adulation reinforces a culture of ageism. The ‘internetification’ of social networking means that young and old will only cross paths if an old guy subtracts 15-20 years off his gaydar profile!

So in the absence of a forum I began to blog (check it out at tinyurl.com/gaywisdom)

Where are the Gay Sages of Brighton? Please speak to me!

And to Gay Youth I ask, “What do you need of your elders?”

Contact me at

Email me! 

18 Gay Youth. Is there anyone out there?

For some reason I’ve started to balk against the concept of ‘giving advice to the gay youth of today’ I’m finding that there’s negativity sweeping into my attitude. Like I’ve stopped feeling philanthropic and the misanthrope is getting the better of me!

What’s the point of trying to help those who don’t want help? Are they beyond help? Am I beyond being able to help?

Then yesterday I had a shaft of enlightenment during which I became aware of my disdain towards a younger friend who was monopolising attention with his youthful charm. The penny then dropped for me that this sourness I’m feeling is a kind of internalized homophobia but not quite! Maybe a dash of internalized homophobia mixed with a dislike of characteristics that were very pronounced in me when I was in my own youth. On reflection I was highly narcissistic and that was my defence from feeling bad, wrong dirty, unacceptable and invalidated-stripped of my spiritual foundations and desperate for acceptance by at least someone, somewhere.

In a community idealizing youthful good looks I could happily nestle myself into an appreciative coterie and avoid those older and wiser who maybe could see through the defences covering my insecurities.

I gorged myself on the appreciative-ness of others, which, was intoxicatingly addictive. I wouldn’t however have been capable of responding to someone feeling older, or less attractive, or ready for some validation in another sphere or along a different axis.

I was simply overpowered by the seductive influence of my charm and its capacity to satisfy my bulimic appetite for being appreciated physically and sexually. And of course there was the power of testosterone fuelling the process so that the supremacy of sexual satisfaction over friendship, over a desire for mentorship, over more substantial and sustained relationships, ensured that once the testosterone had declined and once the damage of the past had had been healed so I didn’t feel quite so bad or so wrong or so dirty or so unacceptable or so invalidated, I can now survey my social arena and understand why there is now an arid scrubland with only one or two substantial friendships having been able to survive the harsh and inhospitable conditions of my capacity to sustain them.

So maybe there are swathes of gay youth being propelled through their existence wounded by society’s homophobia but insightful enough to their defences that they are prepared to put down their armour and risk exploring what’s going on for the sake of a more enriched and substantial life experience. But then again-maybe there aren’t!