27 Your Wardrobe of Self-Related Attitudes

One of the more thought provoking blogs in my list of favorite GayWisdom Blogs is GayBanker.

I was reading his most recent entry a few days ago- a Dear GB column which is a regular agony uncle slot in which he provides impartial supportive advice to men facing problems coming out, getting boyfriends, etc, and invites readers to chip in with their own perspectives.

The predicament presented on this occasion was of a Gay guy who wants to find himself. The gist was that the guy was looking for 'The One', hadn't had a boyfriend for 2 and 1/2 years, and as the months were rolling by, although he was comfortable financially and socially, he was beginning to feel that he had nothing interesting to say. He was coming to feel he was boring and therefore, if 'The One' were to appear in his life he would be incapable of holding a conversation scintillating enough to capture the guy's imagination!

My initial reaction was to reflect on how Gay Culture often appears to offer so much by way of tinsel, glitter and sparkle yet after a decade or so of hedonistic pleasure it does all get to wear a bit thin and that's when there's a dawning realization that the commercial culture is spiritually bankrupt and the King isn't actually wearing any designer clothes after all!

GB's response was firstly to discourage him from obsessing over the idea that there was this perfect future partner heading his way and instead to see the business of working towards a long-term relationship more like going shopping for clothes......

Basically the idea was that you need to get out there 'trying on' relationships to see which ones suited you and which ones were disastrous. Once engaged in the process it was then possible to realize maybe something that initially appeared highly desirable might not ultimately fit into the wardrobe. On the other hand something that might not seem at the outset to be particularly enduring, might ultimately become a beloved favorite item that is worn year after year. GB also wondered if volunteering for some charity work might give the guy some meaning to his life.

I felt sorry for this guy in his emptiness and wondered just what might be able to help kick-start his soul into action.

I've been really impressed with the simple technique proposed by Byron Katie on her The Work website and I wondered if the technique could be applied to this guy's problem.

After thinking about it in the shower yesterday, I posted the following comment:

"It is amazing how powerful thoughts can be in affecting your reality. A lot of people have suggested that you should see a psychologist but the idea of sitting down and getting in touch with your emotions with a stranger may seem like your own worst nightmare. I'm also picking up some ambivalence about seeking help-maybe because of self esteem issues?

For those not ready for the big plunge into therapy there's a useful technique developed by Byron Katie-check out the website The Work.

I think it's very clever because it gives you a chance to do a bit of therapy on yourself if you're prepared to play around with your thoughts.

The technique helps you to challenge unhelpful thoughts/beliefs/attitudes.

Everyone seems to agree that the evidence from your email suggests that you aren't boring but for some reason you have come to believe that you are! By repeating and rehearsing it in your mind you can then create a self-fulfilling prophesy about yourself. 'I think I'm boring therefore I am...'

So can you focus on this attitude about yourself and ask yourself the following questions.

1 Is this thing I believe about myself true?

You might want to scribble down a page of response to that question

2 Can I absolutely know that it's true?

Write another page

3 How do I react, what happens when I believe that thought?

And another

4 Who would I be without that thought?

And another

The final bit of the technique is to turn around the statement and find three specific examples of the reversed statement ie. the opposites of 'nobody finds me interesting because I'm boring' can become

somebody finds me interesting.....

everybody find me interesting,,,,

I'm not boring.....

I find everybody boring..... etc

I like GBs analogy with finding a boyfriend and clothes shopping-you can try out lots of stuff but you eventually end up wearing gear that you really love. There's also a similarity between shopping for clothes and beliefs about yourself. You can shop around and try lots of different attitudes towards yourself on for size. If you're 'wearing' self attitude stuff that makes you feel totally miserable when you look at yourself in the mirror -it's time to get a new self attitude wardrobe and get the chance to see yourself in a completely different light. You just have to be brave enough to take someone shopping and be open to their advice about what might suit you!"

The basis of Katie's technique is that much of human suffering can be traced back to the negative beliefs we hold about the relationships we have with ourselves and others. Ultimately when we explore theses beliefs we will find that they lack a basis in reality. However we have often held onto the beliefs so long that they have come to define who we are. They become ingrained into our personality to such an extent that they feel real. However If we can recognize their arbitrariness and let the beliefs melt away, we can relieve ourselves of a very heavy burden!

I really hope the guy will try 'The Work' out because if he can drive a wedge between what he believes about himself and his true identity, which then has the option to believe the thoughts or disregard them, then he really is on the threshold of becoming a fascinatingly interesting guy. If he can trust that he is genuinely lovable then he is just a heartbeat away from finding The One.

Being brave enough to explore and subsequently express who you truly are is the stuff of deep spirituality- without the need for religion or voluntary work.

If none of this works I read a greeting card yesterday with advice which made me chuckle.......

Maintaining a positive attitude is so important because although it may not solve all your problems it will annoy the hell out of enough people to make it worth the effort!

:-)

Good Luck and here's to hoping you find your true self.

26 Serenity

This week has marked for me the pinnacle of being perceived by some as an awkward old git!

I’ve been working in the same organisation now for getting on for 10 years and I’m starting to see the tricks and the sleights of hand that the organisation plays on the people who deserve its benefits but are getting short-changed.

I’ve been highlighting what I see as shoddy practice but the organisation doesn’t like it because it will involve spending more money than it has, and possibly going bust. It puts me in a dilemma because my role is to give impartial advice to all yet I’m finding that my advice is being increasingly disregarded. My obvious instinct is to move away and work in an organisation that will value my advice. Problem being that a new organisation may be more difficult for me to read and understand. Possibly my advice would be as disregarded in a new organisation.

I feel like an ancient oak tree in the grounds of an old estate. All the time that I’m not in the way of anything I can be admired and appreciated. However once there are plans for a building on my site or a by-pass road running right over me then I become a problem. Right now that’s what I’ve become.

There are big plans for developments that will save money but as these plans are being put in place people are loosing out and I’m one of the few people who can see it.

What do I do? Speak out and risk being disregarded to the point that whatever I say is automatically perceived as being unhelpful? Or do allow myself to be relocated away from the eye of the storm and survive to be appreciated by future generations?

I think I know the answer; I just have to keep on working at it!

I suppose it brings up the issue of ego and the very fundamental question ‘who am I’ and to what extent am ‘I’ forged from doing battle and prevailing or from resisting that temptation to fight so I may survive to fight on other days. It is the same calculation that those who attend AA meetings are encouraged to contemplate every week with the Serenity Prayer. Do I have the courage to fight those battles I can win? Do I have the serenity to accept those battles I’m destined to loose? Do I have the wisdom to know the difference?

The more we are able to see ourselves, not as individual characters in our own life soap operas, but as spiritual beings faced with ethical dilemmas, the more we have the freedom to act in ways which are balanced and true. Once we do this we no longer need to act in ways that are simply consistent with how we see our character or the ways others see it.

So the advice this week, my friends, is to build in a little bit of time away from the hurly-burly of life. Take a solitary walk somewhere you won’t bump into a friend, acquaintance or colleague. Just so you can be with yourself. And start to get to know your soul. Who is the true ‘you’? Not the ‘you’ you play for others. Not the ‘you’ others want or expect you to be. Maybe it’s a ‘you’ you are afraid to declare from fear of being rejected. But whoever the ‘you’ is, it is worth giving it some regular breathing space-some ‘me’ time- so when it comes to the big decisions it will be your soul which guides you through to where you need to be.

P.R.I.D.E. Time for a Radical Re-think!

This is my GScene column for their PRIDE August edition:

I was brought up to be a good Catholic boy. Anything sexual outside of wedlock was sinful wrong and bad. Homosexuality was intrinsically disordered. Lust was one of the seven deadly, unforgivable sins but so also was Pride along with Gluttony, Greed, Envy, Wrath and one which I can’t remember now. In fact Pride was considered to be the deadliest of all the sins.

I’ve had a great time over the years challenging, dismantling, and then reassembling my moral framework to accommodate the truth of who I am. I’m now a big fan of ‘do unto others as you would have done unto yourself’. I have come to understand that just being who I am can’t be wrong as long as I avoid stuff which involves hurting or causing grief to others or myself. I’ve worked out that doing anything to excess is generally unbalanced and ultimately doesn’t suit me, so getting obsessed over sex, food, wealth, wanting to possess other peoples’ stuff etc is worth avoiding. The seven deadly sins have actually turned out to be a useful moral compass for me.

However as I was in the early stages of coming out in the oppressive 70s I did really like the concept of ‘Gay Pride’. By the age of 20 my religious heritage had succeeded in making me feel dirty, dysfunctional, perverted, and ashamed of my sexual orientation. Pride was a powerful antidote to all of that. But as the years have rolled by and the oppression has melted away like the memory of last night’s bad dream, the idea of being proud about my sexuality does seem now to be a bit bizarre. I don’t feel proud of my feet or even my big toe for that matter! Why pride about this other feature of who I am?

Talking with friends about all this during last year’s PRIDE festivities we decided that the position we find ourselves in these days has parallels with the women’s liberation movement. In the 50s and 60s a growing army of strong women emerged. reacting against their unequal treatment by western society which, thy argued was unfair and unacceptable. Feminists generally won their battles and protections against unequal treatment passed to the statute books. Most women then returned to being women and many fewer women would today describe their identity as being predominantly feminist. Feminism was instrumental in the history of female emancipation. In a similar way Gay Liberation and Gay Pride have been instrumental in the history of our emancipation. But as concepts they are beginning to sound just a little tired and past their sell-by date.

If anyone on the Brighton PRIDE committee is listening out there, is there any chance of dropping the PRIDE and let’s just have a Brighton Diversity Festival? If you must cling onto PRIDE for a little bit longer lets have it as P.R.I.D.E. standing for the Promotion of the Right for Individuals to be Diverse in the Extreme!

Pride has connotations of arrogance and feeling superior to others. It doesn’t make sense any more in a largely accepting wider society and is actually somewhat mildly offensive to them. I’m all in favour of Brighton’s queer community supporting each other in being who we need to be so let’s develop a festival which will help us all to focus on homo/transphobia. Simply sitting pretty full of pride doesn’t hit the mark any more!