Faerie friends please don’t Hisssssssss…….after this!
It will only mess with my approval-seeking issues
And it just might serve to skew my words away from the authentic voice of my heart
Big Heart Circles make my chest thump with fear
How will I speak with honesty?
Will I be heard with love?
My mind goes blank and drivel comes out of my mouth
It’s so easy to make a weird first impression
Maybe I’ve already pissed off those who find approval seekers tiresome!
I am learning that the potential for intimacy to grow in my world
Comes from honestly and bravely owning up to my vulnerabilities
So here I am! Stripped naked before you all! A crowd of loving strangers!
What is my truth?
What do I seek to become every moment?
Where am I coming from and where am I going? I’ll tell you:
I want to cultivate a sacred sexual and emotional intimacy with the people in my life
And to recognize the sterility and emptiness of a life surrounded by others ignorant of my true self
I want to find ways to have a helpful influence
But I’ll shy away from Earthly Power
I want to keep my energies in balance
And remain present to the healthiness of my beautiful body
In a kind and caring way, I am discovering and dismantling sources of homophobic and transphobic shame which, in the past, have stifled the choices I’ve made and I hope my new-found sense of shamelessness is not seen as selfish and antisocial
But instead helps others to follow my example
I have discovered that for most of my life I have been carrying a barely conscious sense that I had an entitlement to being loved, an entitlement to being engaged with, an entitlement to having people assist me and an entitlement to being approved of!
I’m not entitled to any of these things from anyone but myself
I’m trying to de-commission my ego but I want to become more tolerant of my little shrunken ego and much more tolerant of the big fat egos of others
I want to give big free dollops of love generously from my heart-just for the sake of it!
When the shadow in this community, and out there in the wider world, becomes manifest …..
I want to be able to recognize it as a part of who I am
It will be something I dislike about myself which I am trying to move away from or
It will be something I haven’t quite acknowledged in my own nature projected onto others
I’m on a quest for Joy and making lots of friends but in a binary world it is easy to make enemies- both real and imaginary…….
So-if I upset you it will not be intentional-
and so I ask you now- do not look angry or smile and bitch about me to yourself or someone else
Please please talk to me about it.
Otherwise I won’t be aware of my mistake or I’ll have to assume I’m just imagining it!
It sounds like you are asking/looking for permission- but perhaps I am also projecting on you my own issues- I cannot tell.
ReplyDeleteI suppose as individuals we may deserve to respect our own ego as well and perhaps feel we deserve a certain standard of engagement we find appropriate with our partners-i am thinking perhaps of a bit of sexual selfishness short of the Ayn Rand variety.
A ponderous coco aus Berlin
Hi Co-Co
ReplyDeleteNo not asking for permission. Just issuing a warning about my intention lest my behaviour be misinterpreted.
:-)
This little collection of words was borne out of a real struggle I had in expressing my intention in a little heart circle just prior to a solstice ritual. What I said was something along the lines of 'I want to have joy in myself and joy in relating to all of you' which really didn't go anywhere close to truly expressing my intentions. When I mused about what was inhibiting me I discovered that I do have issues with approval seeking which tie my tongue in knots as I navigate between my truth and a fear of this being unacceptable.
I'm much better now at doing and being what I need to do and be but still concern myself with how my this might affect/ hurt/ be misconstrued by the community.
My use of the word ego is in the sense of Eckhart Tolle. The crazy bit of my brain that tries to pretend it is separate from Source and puffs itself up in it's attempts to brush the fact of my mortality under the carpet.
I used to have an aversion towards this bit of me in myself and consequently also when I recognised it in others.
I'm developing an equanimity towards ego now which allows me to love myself (soul and warts0 and others more fully.
Will have to look up Ayn Rand. But I'm trying to let go of entitlement (to love, to engagement, to approval) as a means of loving others regardless of the 'investment' coming my way. The engagement-or lack of it- is what it is. The love- or lack of it- is what it is. The approval is there or it isn't. My love is no longer contingent.
Big Dollop of Love from my Heart [to one who seems loving and engaged]
:-0
x
T
PS Enjoy T'shlling. I'll be there in Spirit.
Give love and glitter kisses from me
x
x
x
I sent the above comment to Coco with a
ReplyDeletepps
Just checked out Ayn Rand
Our fundamental moral duty is to find happiness and not to self sacrifice?-Cool. I'll buy that!
:-)
x
His reply to me:
ReplyDeleteDon't buy into Ayn Rand- not at all. The global financial meltdown was in part created by her minions.
here are some online searches
Here
Here
Here
Here
And Here
My reply to him:
ReplyDeleteCoco
OMG!
I didn't realise that she was an ENTIRELY BAD FEARIE!
I take back any positive sentiment I may have had about her lest I be tarred with her selfish republican brush.
:-)
But I suppose that illustrates the problem with attempting to shift one's position from an uncomfortably altruistic sacrificial 'all-for-the-good-of-the-partner/ community' attitude towards a more humane self-nurturing 'allowing the partner/community to help you to have your needs met' stance.
There will be disapprovers [and also internal self disapproval] interpreting one's tentative steps towards self actualisation as evidence that one is a total selfish bastard.
:-)
What I'm interested in, is, if there is a way in which my needs can be happily met, which is ethical i.e. doesn't involve painful self sacrifice but doesn't hurt or exploit people and things.
I'm learning that unconditional love is a potential way forward.
I used to fear that too much love could wear my heart out so I was a bit stingy about the love I was prepared to give. I'm learning that the more I am able to confidently love the stronger my heart becomes.
Gravy all round!
Love
T
x