A few weeks ago I got involved in an email exchange with an anonymous reader who described himself as 'a man of walls' because he was closeted and enjoyed his anonymity.
This whole interchange got me thinking again about “Being who you are”.
I suppose I have grown up as a wounded soul programmed to believe by my Gay Activist brethren that the only true route to happiness is through the process of ‘coming out’. That to pretend to be anything other than who you are is simply living a lie and is destined for a future of unhappiness and despair. I dutifully came out and like most who come out of their protective shell, felt naked, vulnerable and exposed but also strangely surprised that the feared catastrophe of full on homophobic attack from all quarters never actually materialised. It worked like a self-administered flooding desensitisation programme to treat my homophobic-attack-phobia.
Although there was no overt attack, instead I found myself on the other side of a set of invisible boundaries created by the subtle institutional homophobia of my church, my workplace and my wider social circles.
In retrospect my ‘coming out’ was a self-inflicted crucifixion of the heterosexual ego handed to me by my early socialisation and falsely fashioned by me into my adolescent and early adulthood selves. For me the process involved a blatant rejection of any of the cosy comforts which continuing as a closeted guy capable of passing for straight might have afforded. So, easy acceptance in straight company, the freedom to display affection openly to my lover in public, the capacity to simply form a relationship, become engaged, marry, have children, be a conventional family. All this was the bathwater flushed down the plughole of my life at the tender age of 20. It was a political gesture. A statement that all of this was worth nothing compared with the freedom to give my gay sexuality its opportunity for full expression.
Yet 30 years on and I now find that with this blog I have created a secret gay anonymous persona, which I and only I can access! It started as a vestige of my original closet because although predominantly out to family, friends and colleagues, I found that in order to grow, to think to say, feel what I need to feel, communicate what I need to communicate, I must conceal my true identity because it just might jeopardise my employment.
This alter ego is me. It is creative, productive and enjoys the shadows.
If you’ll excuse the mixed metaphor, maybe there’s something about the coming out process which, by means of ‘wearing your heart on your sleeve’, you throw your solitary creative baby out with the proverbial bathwater!
Those with sexualities that are closeted may still have something magical that straight people also have by birthright- their inner, private selves that need to rest, to reflect, and to recreate in undisturbed solitude.
So if you’re going to ‘come out’ keep your sexuality separate from your soul. And if you’ve made the mistake of giving the world 'Access All Areas' privileges to your being then it’s time to re-invent a closet for yourself. But this time, since you’re designing it make sure that it’s nice and roomy with en suite facilities; give it a roof terrace and a lovely view. Oh and make sure there is easy access to the outside world so you can leave and re-enter on a whim!
No comments:
Post a Comment