Saturday 20 June 2009

27 Your Wardrobe of Self-Related Attitudes


One of the more thought provoking blogs in my list of favorite GayWisdom Blogs is GayBanker.

I was reading his most recent entry a few days ago- a Dear GB column which is a regular agony uncle slot in which he provides impartial supportive advice to men facing problems coming out, getting boyfriends, etc, and invites readers to chip in with their own perspectives.

The predicament presented on this occasion was of a Gay guy who wants to find himself. The gist was that the guy was looking for 'The One', hadn't had a boyfriend for 2 and 1/2 years, and as the months were rolling by, although he was comfortable financially and socially, he was beginning to feel that he had nothing interesting to say. He was coming to feel he was boring and therefore, if 'The One' were to appear in his life he would be incapable of holding a conversation scintillating enough to capture the guy's imagination!

My initial reaction was to reflect on how Gay Culture often appears to offer so much by way of tinsel, glitter and sparkle yet after a decade or so of hedonistic pleasure it does all get to wear a bit thin and that's when there's a dawning realization that the commercial culture is spiritually bankrupt and the King isn't actually wearing any designer clothes after all!

GB's response was firstly to discourage him from obsessing over the idea that there was this perfect future partner heading his way and instead to see the business of working towards a long-term relationship more like going shopping for clothes......

Basically the idea was that you need to get out there 'trying on' relationships to see which ones suited you and which ones were disastrous. Once engaged in the process it was then possible to realize maybe something that initially appeared highly desirable might not ultimately fit into the wardrobe. On the other hand something that might not seem at the outset to be particularly enduring, might ultimately become a beloved favorite item that is worn year after year. GB also wondered if volunteering for some charity work might give the guy some meaning to his life.

I felt sorry for this guy in his emptiness and wondered just what might be able to help kick-start his soul into action.

I've been really impressed with the simple technique proposed by Byron Katie on her The Work website and I wondered if the technique could be applied to this guy's problem.

After thinking about it in the shower yesterday, I posted the following comment:

"It is amazing how powerful thoughts can be in affecting your reality. A lot of people have suggested that you should see a psychologist but the idea of sitting down and getting in touch with your emotions with a stranger may seem like your own worst nightmare. I'm also picking up some ambivalence about seeking help-maybe because of self esteem issues?

For those not ready for the big plunge into therapy there's a useful technique developed by Byron Katie-check out the website The Work.

I think it's very clever because it gives you a chance to do a bit of therapy on yourself if you're prepared to play around with your thoughts.

The technique helps you to challenge unhelpful thoughts/beliefs/attitudes.

Everyone seems to agree that the evidence from your email suggests that you aren't boring but for some reason you have come to believe that you are! By repeating and rehearsing it in your mind you can then create a self-fulfilling prophesy about yourself. 'I think I'm boring therefore I am...'

So can you focus on this attitude about yourself and ask yourself the following questions.

1 Is this thing I believe about myself true?

You might want to scribble down a page of response to that question

2 Can I absolutely know that it's true?

Write another page

3 How do I react, what happens when I believe that thought?

And another

4 Who would I be without that thought?

And another

The final bit of the technique is to turn around the statement and find three specific examples of the reversed statement ie. the opposites of 'nobody finds me interesting because I'm boring' can become

somebody finds me interesting.....

everybody find me interesting,,,,

I'm not boring.....

I find everybody boring..... etc

I like GBs analogy with finding a boyfriend and clothes shopping-you can try out lots of stuff but you eventually end up wearing gear that you really love. There's also a similarity between shopping for clothes and beliefs about yourself. You can shop around and try lots of different attitudes towards yourself on for size. If you're 'wearing' self attitude stuff that makes you feel totally miserable when you look at yourself in the mirror -it's time to get a new self attitude wardrobe and get the chance to see yourself in a completely different light. You just have to be brave enough to take someone shopping and be open to their advice about what might suit you!"

The basis of Katie's technique is that much of human suffering can be traced back to the negative beliefs we hold about the relationships we have with ourselves and others. Ultimately when we explore theses beliefs we will find that they lack a basis in reality. However we have often held onto the beliefs so long that they have come to define who we are. They become ingrained into our personality to such an extent that they feel real. However If we can recognize their arbitrariness and let the beliefs melt away, we can relieve ourselves of a very heavy burden!

I really hope the guy will try 'The Work' out because if he can drive a wedge between what he believes about himself and his true identity, which then has the option to believe the thoughts or disregard them, then he really is on the threshold of becoming a fascinatingly interesting guy. If he can trust that he is genuinely lovable then he is just a heartbeat away from finding The One.

Being brave enough to explore and subsequently express who you truly are is the stuff of deep spirituality- without the need for religion or voluntary work.

If none of this works I read a greeting card yesterday with advice which made me chuckle.......

Maintaining a positive attitude is so important because although it may not solve all your problems it will annoy the hell out of enough people to make it worth the effort!

:-)

Good Luck and here's to hoping you find your true self.

3 comments:

  1. The technique you describe is very interesting and well worth exploring for a number of scenarios. Maintaining a positive attitude is absolutely the right thing to do though, because you have to (in my view) work on being happy with/in yourself before you can achieve anything else. Of course it's not easy sometimes!

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  2. The technique you describe is very interesting and well worth exploring for a number of scenarios. Maintaining a positive attitude is absolutely the right thing to do though, because you have to (in my view) work on being happy with/in yourself before you can achieve anything else. Of course it's not easy sometimes!

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  3. Another fantastic blog...I can 200% vouch for what you're saying. Byron Katie's work has had a MAJOR impact on me. The ability to question your thoughts (ie, those that are causing you suffering) is simply the key to liberation. It's rarely the thing we're upset about that causes us to be upset...it's our thoughts about that thing. I believe that's also a key component of CBT - stepping back, looking at what you're thinking and believing and asking yourself whether there's actually any truth in it.

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