22 Will the Real Identity Please Stand Up?

A number of things have come together recently to get me thinking about anonymous LGBT blogging and the role it plays in helping us to grow and develop

1         Last week I was checking out the anonymous blog of mm-UrbanSnag. He has only just started blogging and he stated in one of his first entries that he was already worried that his blog alter ego might overtake his true identity.

It gave me pause for thought. What is it about anonymous gay bloging that could be useful for the personality development of LGBT people? Here am I, anonymously gay-blogging and getting a lot out of it!

2         I’ve been struck for some time by the paradox that maybe the most secure place in a persons home for them to write their truest most honest thoughts –thoughts that they would not even have their partners or best friends see-is within a computer file on a password protected computer which is then uploaded onto the most publicly accessible information network on the planet!

There’s almost something ‘naturist for the mind’ about it. Divesting yourself of your mental concealments in the company of tens of thousands of others. Everyone removing their 'fear of telling it how it is' all together is refreshingly freeing and uplifting

3         Then a few days ago I read another blog entry by a recovering crystal meth addict, who was, that very day, deciding to close down his blog because he’d made the big mistake of telling friends and acquaintances how to access his site. As a consequence he was painfully realising that he had now lost his ‘private place’ to develop who he was becoming.

4         GayBanker is one of my favourite blogs at the moment. One of his more whimsical entries suggested that the Coming Out process could be likened to the belt grading system of a martial art like say judo or karate. So that a complete beginner is a ‘white belt’, is fairly closeted and is just making the first moves towards developing a privately acknowledged public gay persona. At the other extreme is the truly enlightened ‘black belt’ fully out in all contexts and at one with himself to such an extent that it no longer enters his mind that it is an issue.

It made me wonder about the process of writing an anonymous gay blog and where that lies on the spectrum of ‘coming-out-enlightenment’

In our early years, as queer people growing up in a hostile environment, we naturally build up a 'false self' designed to throw people off the track of our true sexuality. That then sets the scene for a sham ego and a more genuine alter ego, which is identified with the unacceptable sexuality.

The beauty of the anonymous gay blog is that it allows for the growth and development of that genuine alter ego. It gives light and sustenance to a seedling, which has been attempting to grow in the dark. Yellow straggly leaves can gradually become strong green shoots. Putting the private and shameful unashamedly into the public domain must be a step on the road to coming-out-enlightenment. Maybe the penultimate step would be to continue with the blog content but to go public and deal with the issues that needed it to be anonymous in the first place! And the final step would be to finally no longer benefit from the process and so to stop doing it and completely wind up the blog!

I can see that I’m still some considerable way from that particular ‘nirvana of the ego’. Of course most eastern philosophies eschew the ego as a distraction from soul so the integration of false self and genuine repressed alter ego is just the half way point to a truly enlightened position which would then be the recognition of the whole edifice of ego as an elaborate conceit which, for true happiness needs to be carefully dismantled brick by brick!

Last week I was really faced up to this difference in identities between ‘The Blogger GaySocrates’ and  ‘True Me’.

I was contacted out of the blue by a fellow blogger –Rory -who had left a comment on one of my recent entries.

This is what he said:

 

Enjoying your blog! I'm a 30 yr old guy who has never really known any older gay guys, I guess because I don’t really know all that many gay guys at all (not involved in the 'community'). Fascinated to hear the insights and experiences of guys who may or may not have a slightly wiser and more mature outlook. Haven’t read much of your blog but have bookmarked and will keep reading :)

 

 I checked out his blog and was blown away by the beauty and simplicity of his outlook, which was striking chords all over the place with me. He was doing the Artists Way as an attempt to unblock his creativity

This is what I said back:

 

Aw thanks for your interest in my blog Rory!

I've just taken a look at your blog and web site and I really like your outlook! Very Zen and Artists' Way!

I too am a big Julia Cameron fan and continue to write my morning pages 2 years after working though the 12 weeks.

As one who is questing to live in the NOW-have you read Eckhart Tolle's 'The Power of Now"?

That really helped me to be more present.

I've linked your blog to mine and will keep watching your posts.

I believe you will get well from your ME.

My partner has been fighting a battle with it for the past few years so I really know what you're going through.

We've been sifting through all the millions of possible causes and wondered if the insecticide used for de-fleaing our cats-we've got 4! might have been responsible.

There is a literature on organo-phosphate poisoning and it can produce an ME -like syndrome. Just mentioned it because I noticed you have some lovely pets too.

All the best.

Oh and I agree with you about Twitter-it's all about ego and saying 'look at me'. Your blog is different-more a meditation- getting into the zone of who you truly are. Hope my interest in you doesn't put you off.

 

His reply was:

 

Hey GaySocrates,

 

Thanks for your email; it's great to hear from you! Fab to speak to another Artist's way person - I actually first did it quite a few years back and found it good so am re-doing the course now. Morning pages are actually quite addictive, aren't they? What kind of artist are you, yourself? Did you find it helped loosen any creative blocks?

 

Funny you should mention 'Power of Now', that book is like my bible! Really love Eckhart, found his work has helped me in so many ways. In fact I was just watching one of his talks last night; if there's anything I love more than his books it's watching/listening to his live seminars; he has a certain energy that's totally contagious, a real serenity and peace. Yup, he's been a huge inspiration in my life. I used to be quite a stressed person but I think I've totally chilled now, in fact if anything I'm too chilled sometimes, if that's possible. Maybe that's not a bad thing though. I just don't take any of it too seriously now...

 

Sorry to hear that your partner, full sympathy - its not something I'd wish on anyone. I first developed it when I was about 18 following glandular fever, then was bad with it for about 3 years. Then I seemed to recover about 90% before it got really bad again a couple of years ago. Really bad! I've also explored various different causes and 'treatments' but nothing has kicked it...least not yet. Nope, it's not a nice thing....I just try to make the best of it and accept. When I get all upset about it, which does happen sometimes, it just makes it worse.

 

Anyway - it's really great to hear from you, and hope that you are having a super day. Thanks for checking out my blog by the way - it probably gets a bit too deep and 'zen' for most people, but my approach with both it and my art is that I simply do what I like and what feels right for me. If I started tailoring it to what had mass appeal I'd quickly lose interest. You should see some of my artwork; it's totally out of the ordinary and I don't know if it would have mass appeal, but I really don't care. It's me! :-)

 

Take care

 

 

Then my reply back was

 

Rory

You are the answer to the dreams I had when I first thought about blogging

:-)

I have a theory that if you keep yourself busy with the work of creativity then you will not only become at one with yourself but you will also find yourself surrounded by kindred spirits. And conversely, if you are at one with yourself then you will inevitably be a creative being and will be happy to be so whether alone or in company.

I loved your reflections about whether or not you were happy to be writing a blog the might not be being read by anyone else!

:-)

With regard to what 'kind' of artist I am-that’s a difficult question to answer.

I've just read a Rumi quote that said something important about what I strive to do/ be

 

The law of wonder rules my life at last

I burn each second of my life to love

Each second of my life burns out in love

In each leaping second love lives afresh....

 

And yes the Artists Way unblocked me from feeling that I had to 'consume' others' creative efforts and freed me from comparing my offerings with those of creative giants and legitimized me being brave enough to be me!

Please don't apologize for your depth - I think it is truly profound and unique in one so young as yourself!

It seems you have had a difficult time with illness. I'm convinced that illness and suffering give you access to wisdom and equanimity if you can accept them as gifts. I wonder if this is how you have come so far.

I thought of you when I read the verse

 

Seizing my life in your hands you thrashed it clean

On the savage rocks of Eternal Mind

How its colours bled until they grew white!

You smile and sit back; I dry in your sun

 

I wonder what life is like for you with your wisdom in the far reaches of Presbyterian Scotland?

Do people appreciate you ...or is it all a bit too odd for them all?

 

It's great to hear from you!

And I'd love to see your Artwork. 

Oh yes-and what's happened to that novel?

I read the interview about it and was all set to order a copy on LULU.com but then it was nowhere to be seen!

:-)

Love

Keep in touch?

 

His reply back

 

Hi GaySocrates

 

Thanks for the email - and the quotes. Boy, does Rumi have a way with words - every sentence he writes just drips with beauty! I don't know how he does (or that did) it.

 

I'm also glad to have met a kindred spirit as well. In answer to your question about what people make of me...the moment I read it i was stumped. Started a few moments of introspection. I'm just me, I was always quite popular as I projected a certain persona; I was always the life and soul of the party. Since I've been ill I've calmed down and dropped the persona in many ways, i'm quieter and less inclined to put a lamp shade over the light, if you know what I mean. I've found friends either keep up with you when you change or you don't really connect any more and drift apart. Sadly the latter kind of happened to me and my boyfriend of 4 and a half years. I realised he didn't understand who I was in the slightest and we mutually decided to just be friends. Fortunately we have remained great friends and I still love him in many ways, but it's symptomatic of a certain isolation you feel when you decide that you are going to embody the truth of who you are rather than what others want you to be or what the world demands you should be. I've changed a lot of small outer things over the past couple of years - from becoming vegetarian and refusing to watch violent TV, to just disengaging from the superficialities that bore me about the 'world' and how people relate. To some people even small changes like that become a gulf between you...

 

OK - enough therapy talk. Sorry! :-P

 

Your other question, about my novel - I did put it for sale for a short while, mainly so friends and family could read it. I then decided that self-publishing wasn't really the way I wanted to go. I also kept changing things in the manuscript! Now, I'm not sure what to do - I'm sick of rejection slips, even though they say you have to endure dozens of them in order to get anywhere. I used to have a dream that it could become a bestseller and I'd sell the film rights (I still think it'd be a heck of a great film and everyone who's read it agrees).. But now my dreams have kind of dissipated a bit. Maybe I should hold onto them, or maybe I should just accept that if it was meant to be published it would be already. Actually, just writing that makes me realise that it's a defeatist attitude and that I should persevere...! Even if it means self-publishing. It doesn't have to be a bestseller anymore - I'd just be happy with selling however many copies I sell.

 

Anyway - thanks again for your email. Sorry for rambling on about myself. Tell me about yourself - I must go back to your blog and read more. Where do you live? How's your partner's ME now? Hope he's doing a bit better.

 

Have a great Easter by the way! Take care,

 

Rory :)

 

Finally my relpy

 

Hey Rory

Happy Easter

:-)

Thanks for sharing who you are with me- it didn't seem like therapy talk to me!

Please don't apologize for this- I really love it!

:-)

I'd really like to read your novel- if you put it back on lulu I'd buy it. And how do I get to see some of your artwork. Maybe you can strengthen yourself against the rejection slip pain by getting some independent positive strokes. 

I know from what I know of you already that I'd love both your writing and your artwork!

Sounds like- from what you say in your blog- your Inner Critic is the biggest obstacle you face in overcoming your rejection aversion. Each time you get a rejection slip, your IC throws a party.

:-)

Me?

I live in Brighton which has its up side and its not so up side. The up side is that it's bright, warm, cheerful, and young with a well-developed alternative gay scene.

Lots of people come down to party and to holiday for the weekend so there's usually an upbeat feel to the place.

There are also thousands of creatives -highest concentration of apple Mac users outside London. And generally a 'live and let live' attitude to others

The down side is the sheer number of gay people here means that there seems to be a reluctance to invest in gay friendship when things get tough because there's always another potential friendship around the corner and the 'quality' of gay people here means that there are lots of drifters and transients who maybe have struggled to fit in elsewhere and have gravitated to what they fantasize will be a gay nirvana. There's also a sinister underclass that are resentful of the acceptance of the huge influx of a gay population. It's a bit like wherever there is over-representation of a minority the BNP seems to attract a higher than average level of interest.

:-(

My BFs ME is up and down. He's on a treatment trial at St Barts. He's in the 'control' group which means he meets with a Professor every few weeks and discusses his various symptoms-headache, muscle and joint aches and pains, fatigue, dodgy guts and endeavors to manage the symptoms and to pace himself.

He's only been doing this for a few months but the very business of getting a definitive diagnosis and the catharsis, of being able to freely talk about the full range of his symptoms without feeling he's boring people or that people are judging him or thinking he's mad or even fearing he may be infectious, has been a great release for him.

We've just started to move from being worried that it was all being caused by something more life threatening towards an acceptance that this is the deal and it just has to be coped with.

He's working his way through Full Catastrophe Living, which is a self-help manual to cope with stress and illness using mindfulness techniques.

Not sure if you would find it helpful. Sounds like you're cultivating equanimity towards your ups and downs already

 

I then asked for his permission to publish the emails to illustrate a point in this blog and thankfully he agreed

:-)

As the emails were going back and forth I started to realize that my own email persona seemed less genuine and true-to-me compared to my blog persona. So what was that all about?

It felt as though 'being exactly who I am'-as GaySocrates - jeopardized the business of relating directly with someone whom I intuitively admired!

Would I frighten Rory by seeming too spiritual, too self-obsessed, too obscure, too arrogant, pompous, ancient? Did I need to hold back, edit apologize?

 

That’s when I realized I’ve still got along way to go before I get my ‘black belt’