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Gay Spirit Warrior

Gay Spirit Warrior: An Empowerment Workbook for Men Who Love Men

By John R. Stowe

I bought this book when I first moved to Brighton from Newcastle 12 years ago.

I was moving away from the oppressive North to The Gay Mecca and I was going to radically change my life!

I started the workbook and managed to get to chapter 4.

Then life got in the way!

Then things got really tough!

Ultimately I found myself faced up to the consequences of having neglected my spiritual self. For me this manifested as creative exhaustion, emotional paralysis and preoccupation with a fear of aging and ailments.

Then The Edward Carpenter Community came to the rescue.

I attended my first Laurieston Gay Men’s Week in September 2009, returned the following year and then was back again last year. The magic of these weeks gave me the space and sanctuary I needed to properly attend to my spiritual growth. The book seemed to feature fairly prominently in the 2010 September week and I returned to Brighton with a fellow Brightonian ECCer with a joint resolve to work through the book together.

We worked through a few chapters at a time then met up over lunch and glass or two of wine about once a month. We shared with each other our thoughts about each chapter, the progress we’d made with the set tasks and the impact we had felt from having carried out the exercises.

It was interesting for me to compare the experience of having tried to do the book alone in the past with the completely different situation of having a fellow traveller there to spur me on and make sure I didn’t get tempted to skip the awkward and challenging exercises.

The book is in two major parts. The first part helps you to get you in touch with some of the wounds gay folk have had to endure growing up in homophobic families, religions and schools and to register the consequential impact this has had on the ways we relate to ourselves and others, the fear we have of disclosing our true nature and the effect this has on our emotional availability for intimacy.

The second part introduces some Gay Archetypes and helps to develop a personal and healing connection to each of these. We therefore start with the Magic Boy. We all have an inner child who is playful, joyful and creative but is likely also to be sad, hurt and fearful because of a whole range of difficult past experiences. There are exercises designed to help you to contact this aspect of your self and to begin a self-healing, self-nurturing process.

Next chapter is The Sacred Androgyne (we have a greater dose of the feminine in our gay male nature than the average straight bloke). Ancient societies and cultures recognized the special qualities of feminine acting boys and gave them important roles in their sacred rituals. In this chapter there is the chance to acknowledge, honour and own our feminine aspects. A chance to heal some of the hurt inflicted on us by a society, which invalidates any gender expression other than the male/ female of a very strict either/or gender binary.

Next is The Lover. We all can identify with this aspect of ourselves and of others. What an interesting chapter this was for me! It was really eye opening and penny-dropping. If you are intending to work through the book I would hate to spoil the surprise! Suffice it to say there is more insight, healing and inner development in store.

I’ve just finished the chapter on The Elder and I’ve yet to work through The Shaman Healer, The Warrior and The Explorer. And then there’s a final section, which is called Taking Your Place- (I presume as a nicely rounded Gay Spirit Warrior).

Sadly last year my Gay Spirit Warrior partner had to drop out of our process because of family pressures and so inevitably, ever since, the impetus to complete the book has dwindled. Given that I’m reasonably highly motivated to finish this book I do have to ask myself why is it that it is taking me such long time to finish it?

I think it’s something to do with the practicalities of having enough time. This is an activity book that will give returns in proportion to the time and emotional energy invested. You would be wasting your time giving it a quick skim read. Each chapter has 6 or 7 suggested activities each of which could take up to 1or 2 hours each to carry out meaningfully. I’m also dragging my feet because as with anything which threatens to change me-even if it’s likely to be for the better- I find excuses to do it really well-tomorrow or at the weekend when there’s more time and when I’m likely to have more energy to deal with the challenges. But then social life, visitors, parental illness, friends, culture, holidays all seem to push my best intentions aside.

Having worked through just over half of the book now (in just over 12 years!) it’s easy to see that if you have enough time on your hands and if you’re really interested in getting a better understanding of yourself it’s a book which could well change your life by helping you to understand how society’s take on your sexuality may have negatively impacted on your development and, by providing you with a route map for healing and growing into your power as a thriving, nurtured, self respecting, uniquely gifted man.

What I’d really love to do- once I’ve finally worked my way through to the end- is to run a Gay Spirit Warrior Book Group or Heart Circle –maybe on-line which would provide the peer group energy needed to support and stimulate what could otherwise be a pretty tough and solitary practice.

If there’s anyone interested do get in touch gaysocrates@gmail.com and give me that final impetus I need to just get on and finish it!

Men of Brighton: 6 Good Reasons to Wear a Sexy Dress for Pride

1 If you’ve never done it before, there’s no better excuse than a Pride Parade to slip into something slinky. ‘But being gay doesn’t mean I’m a woman’ I hear you say. That’s fine! Wearing a frock won’t change your gender but it could just get you in touch with the feminine side of your nature.

2 As gay men we have programmed ourselves away from anything, which on top of our wayward sexuality, might attract disapproval. Consequently, although our limp wristed, camp comedians are tolerated by society at large (if they are funny enough to be really laughed at!), the gender portrayal that we seem most comfortable with is that of the Straight Acting Male. What? You’re gay? You would never have guessed! So straight acting! Well done you! At the other end of the spectrum we have the screaming queen who seems to have no shame at the blatant portrayal of a feminine-like sexuality without so much as the slightest attempt to tone it down. Those who, over the years have been able to get away with it, have repressed and concealed any clue as to their true sexuality- often taking their macho caricature to an almost ludicrous and camp extreme. Those who don’t pass, often aggressively camp it up; attack being the best form of defence for them. But what are we scared about? Put something frilly on and celebrate that Anything Goes in 2012!

3 Wearing a dress can face us up to our internalised homophobia. Slip on those nylons and feel the discomfort. What’s wrong? What nasty taboo are you breaking? You are allowing yourself into a domain reserved for women and you’re boldly going where you as a man have not been before! You were told from an early age by parents, teachers and peers that any hint that a man might behave in a feminine way [like for instance fancying the pants off the boy sitting at the next desk] must be jumped on and annihilated at all costs.

4 And if we’re uncomfortable with being perceived as feminine-acting what’s so bad about that? How about facing yourself up to your internalized misogyny. We exist in a patriarchal society. We have subliminally incorporated our sense of superior male entitlement right into the core of our personalities to the extent that we are hardly aware of it. We might even deny its existence until we catch a glimpse of a high riding hemline in the mirror and we are horrified. You are flying in the face of all your programming by blatantly disregarding the eleventh commandment: ‘Thou shalt not behave like a sissy’. Enjoy the subversion. Stand in solidarity with yo’ sistas and become an Effeminist!

5 ‘But what if people get the wrong idea and think I’m a tranny?’ Good! Let them think you have trans issues and enjoy their squirming disapproval. Feel the depth of your own internalised (or overt) transphobia and learn to love your inner girlie persona. Feel the danger of creating an ambiguous gender portrayal in the presence of people who might erupt into violence when faced with anything other than a simple gender binary. Buy some daring red lippy from Boots and get a girlfriend to do your nails in a nice sparkly pink shade.

6 ‘But I don’t look any good in a dress!’ Get over yourself. You clearly haven’t looked hard enough to find THAT dress. When you find it you will be transformed into the Belle of the Ball! And always remember the three golden rules for looking absolutely fabulous: Accessorize! Accessorize! and Accessorize!

SEX, SEX, AND MORE SEX!

Hello queer child! Now that I have your attention, read on and be afraid!

I am the accursed Troll of Queerdom. You should be pleased to be making my acquaintance and grateful for all I have done to make your queer youth more tolerable for you than mine was for me.

I have tasted of the Tree of Knowledge and my punishment is that I now know I am always right. Because I have wisdom to give in abundance you need to keep quiet and listen attentively. You will be helped by hearing about everything I have learned.

I have opinions about everything. Your opinion will inevitably be wrong because you are young and you do not have my wealth of experience. I am an intellectual and I have suffered. I am bitter with the truth that the world is intrinsically bad.

People in general- and you, in particular, my pupil- are not to be trusted. You have no self-awareness. Your understanding comes from your projections and the reflections of these, which, you see as mirages in the shadows. Nothing you believe to be so is true.

Know of me. Know of my name. See how clever I am! Show respect to me. Worship at my shrine! I am your master, your elder and your better.

I am old and disgusting. I am repulsive. I am grotesque. I am decaying. Death is ugly. And, as eternally youthful and immortal as you believe yourself to be, you are dying too- young one. Look at me now beautiful baby. I am your ancient, vile reflection from the future. Be very afraid!

I am righteously indignant that I am not fully appreciated. That I am not approved of after the pain of all my hard work. Why does no one pat me on the head?

I am angry that my looks no longer command attention. The easy access to erotic adventure- free to me when I was seen as sexy and alluring- is gone forever.

I am disappointed and sad that my trove of wisdom is way past its sell-by date. My grip on the modern world is tenuous so I continually hark back to how the world used to be. It gives me a sense of security.

Sometimes I regret the choices I have made. And I find ways to re-live my life through the advice I liberally dispense to today's youth.

I am scared about the degenerating state of my body. I am afraid of chronic illness and pain. I want to believe that death doesn't worry me. But I'm petrified!

Young One- do you love me?

If you do, then you have the wisdom of youth and I am ready to learn!

Contact me at gaysocrates@gmail.com

Google GaySocrates for Blog

Compassion Shines Through Shadow

Guanyin: Goddess of Compassion!
You have shown me the way
To love myself
And thereby to love all

Here are my demons ...
Of Not-Good-Enough-ness
Of Not-Man-Enough-ness
My exhausting perfectionism
My gasping for the oxygen of approval
My affirmation addiction
My outraged sense of entitlement
To be-at least- engaged with

My fury at the unquestionable assumption
That fathers 'ought to' respond

To a son's overtures for affection
With nurturing love

(My music longed to be heard by him)

Shadow Faeries have poked their healing wands
At these raw wounds
And shown me how
To nurture and heal myself

I have embraced those shadow-casters
I have cuddled warmth
Into their cold shoulders

I stand tall and true
A Mushroom thriving
In the shade
And finally I see...

My Faerie Nature

Was cast into the shadows
By father, by peers
By Church and by State

And the righteous indignation
I feel towards anyone
With the temerity
To portray me
In an unfavorable light
'After all the effort
I've made to be nice
To be acceptable
To assimilate'

IS THE SHADOW I CAST

I now release the pain….

The shadows are no longer mine
And no matter how black is the darkness
I burn with the Fire of Love in my heart

And I am Light

How I Align My Body-Mind-Life Force With Love To Make My World A Temple For Pagan Love Magic

I invoke and feel the Essence of Feminine Love

(For me this in the Shadows of my Self -cast in the depths of the Earth)

I move my attention from the Earth, through my feet and up my legs and I focus on my anal Base chakra

The centre of my Red Lustful Love

Located with the Essence of Earth to the North

I move my attention to my cock-and-balls Sacral chakra

The centre of my Orange Love Balance

Balancing Love Lust and Love Power

I move my attention to my Solar Plexus Power chakra

The centre of my Yellow Love Power

Located with the Essence of Fire to the South

I move my attention to my Heart chakra

The centre of my Green Loving Feelings

Located with the Essence of Water to the West

I move my attention to my Throat chakra

The centre of my Blue Verbal Expressions of Love

The arbiter of Loving Thoughts and Loving Feelings

I move my attention to my Third Eye chakra

The centre of my Purple Loving Thoughts

Located with the Essence of Air to the East

I then invoke and feel the Essence of Masculine Love

(For me this is a bright light shining down on me from above)

Does the Soul Have a Neuroanatomical Basis?

My soul is like a hidden orchestra; I do not know which instruments grind and play away inside of me, strings and harps, timbales and drums. I can only recognize myself as symphony

—FERNANDO PESSOA, The Book of Disquiet

This quote is from the front of a book I’m just about to read: ‘Self Comes to Mind: Constructing the Conscious Brain: The Evolution of Consciousness’ by Antonio Damasio

The author is a neuroscientist who has been studying the neuroanotomical basis of emotion. I think he may have written the book which will provide some of our alexithymic brethren with the hard evidence they require that there is more to self than flesh, blood and cerebral cortex!

Do Not Read This Poem About Men-Loving-Men Spirituality!

Whoever you are holding me now in hand

Without one thing all will be useless,

I give you fair warning, before you attempt me further,

I am not what you supposed, but far different.

-

Who is he that would become my follower?

Who would sign himself a candidate for my affections? Are you he?

-

The way is suspicious -- the result slow, uncertain, may-be destructive;

You would have to give up all else -- I alone would expect to be your God, sole and exclusive,

Your novitiate would even then be long and exhausting,

The whole past theory of your life, and all conformity to the lives around you, would have to be abandoned;

Therefore release me now, before troubling yourself any further -- Let go your hand from my shoulders,

Put me down, and depart on your way.

-

Or else, only by stealth, in some wood, for trial,

Or back of a rock, in open air,

(for in any roofed room of a house I emerge not -- nor in company,

And in the libraries I lie as one dumb, a gawk, or unborn, or dead,)

But just possibly with you on a high hill -- first watching lest any person, for miles around, approach unawares,

Or possibly with you sailing at sea, or on the beach of the sea, or some quiet island,

Here to put your lips upon mine I permit you,

With the comrade's long-dwelling kiss, or the new husband's kiss,

For I am the new husband, and I am the comrade.

-

Or, if you will, thrusting me beneath your clothing,

Where I may feel the throbs of your heart, or rest upon your hip,

Carry me when you go forth over land and sea;

For thus, merely touching you, is enough -- is best

And thus, touching you, would I silently sleep and be carried eternally.

-

But these leaves conning, you con at peril,

For these leaves, and me, you will not understand,

They will elude you at first, and still more afterward -- I will certainly elude you,

Even while you should think you had unquestionably caught me, behold!

Already you see I have escaped from you.

-

For it is not for what I have put into it that I have written this book,

Nor is it by reading it you will acquire it,

Nor do those know me best who admire me, and vauntingly praise me,

Nor will the candidates for my love, (unless at most a very few,) prove victorious,

Nor will my poems do good only -- they will do just as much evil, perhaps more,

For all is useless without that which you may guess at many times and not hit -- that which I hinted at,

Therefore release me and depart on your way.

Walt Whitman

From the Calamus Poems

1860

You can read the full cycle of 45 short poems at http://gaymensvirtualbookgroup.blogspot.com

Spectral Love

Red Love Lust

Orange Love Balance

Yellow Love Power

Green Love Feelings

Blue Love Words

Purple Love Thoughts

Pure White Love

Purple Love Thoughts

Blue Love Words

Green Love Feelings

Yellow Love Power

Orange Love Balance

Red Love Lust

I Am The Whore Of Babylon And I Give You Pure White Love!

A Dream Queer Scene

I have a dream of a scene…..

The tarmac of St James’ Street is gone and in its place is luscious green grass, trickling fountains of crystal clear water, trees, shrubs and flowers. People come from afar to hang out here because this is the friendliest, quirkiest and most original scene in the land.

The Red Roaster Café spills its tables and chairs out onto the greenery. No longer a narrow space it has expanded into the adjacent buildings on either side and is open until the early hours of the morning. Gentle music tracks pulse into the air interspersed between the sound of recorded birdsong, random chapters of audio books and cult comedy show clips.

Opposite is the queer bookshop- Bent Books- a private library club (non-members pay a quid entry fee to peruse) where readers settle down to a good queer book with a nice cup of hot chocolate by a roaring open log fire. This is a book heaven with sections on queer studies, LGBT fiction, poetry, biography and spirituality. It’s a great place to drop by and just bump into friends or make random connections with fellow-readers. There’s a good-sized meeting room here for queer book groups to discuss their book of the month. Upstairs there’s a spacious air-conditioned lounging area and luscious roof garden. Clusters of people are drinking mint tea and exhaling green-blue smoke inhaled from communal hookahs- relaxing, giggling, enjoying the art of conversation. It’s early Saturday evening and this is where we come before the Club.

The club is called -not Envy or Revenge or Spite or Hatred- but ‘Club D.U.B. [Dressing Up Box]’. Here is a club where we play with cross-dressing and dance. Here the gender binary gets a chance to be deconstructed. As you go in there’s an enormous changing area. There are clothes rails creaking under the strain of hundreds of sequined dresses and fur coats. There are Tina Turner wigs and high heels for the blokes and false beards, tweed suits and hard hats for the women- all items for sale or hire. Once dragged up the music is pumping and the dancing’s grinding. Trans is the order of the night: men and FTMs meet men/ FTMs, women and MTFs meet women/ MTFs and all the combinations in between. Men and women are even getting it on! There’s ironic femme frolicking and butch posing. In this fabulous space people are drawn to each other by animal chemistry and not because they exist within a perceived gender/sexuality box.

After the club we head to the No Talent Cabaret Bar. A drink buys the obligation to put on a 3 minute turn. Some sing, some recite poetry, some dance, some sit surreal-ly and stare. All offerings are met with tumultuous applause.

Next day we head back to the street. Next to the cabaret bar there’s the Tantric Massage Temple with massage rooms where folk can spend time growing deeper in intimacy with each other. Throughout the day there are group Tantric massage classes and meditations. In one of the group rooms queer folk are holding hands and sharing what is in their hearts. These heart circles mean we can bravely grow in emotional strength by declaring our vulnerability. We are loved and accepted by the circle because of the strength of this vulnerability.

Here there is no attitude and no bitchy-queenery. People smile, are interested in each other, are prepared to give each other the time of day.

Hmm-well I did say it was a dream....

So until the Brighton scene gets a bit closer to this I’ll need to keep going to Faerie Gatherings. The next Albion Faerie Gathering will celebrate Imbolic at Featherstone Castle in Northumberland 27 January-6 February 2012

http://albionfaeries.co.uk/featherstone2012.htm

So skip Christmas this year, book your holidays for late January and turn some dreams into reality!